Nine Months
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Nine months of an unplanned life... WK fic.
1. The Day She Divorced

The day she signed her divorce papers, Karen realized that she might have been pregnant.

Actually, it never appeared as a remote possibility. From the moment she noticed that she was late, the certitude passed underneath her skin and embraced her mind with a terrifying strength until the positive sign on the pregnancy test she bought confirmed her feelings a couple of hours later.

She didn't cry, didn't smile either. Three long breaths resulted enough for her to look around and make sure that life was still going on, that it hadn't stopped at some point when her eyes had landed on the stick and she had read the result.

But nothing had changed. What had been her bedroom for the past ten years was still plunged in the chaos of a lost identity, invaded by cardboard boxes and scotch. The mattress of the bed was bare and the curtains were gone, like all the memories of a life spent there.

She could have lied and kept the news for herself but in fact, this possibility never crossed her mind. Instead she grabbed her bag and hurried out of the penthouse without a single last gaze for the place.

The traffic was dense but she waited patiently _ hands on her lap _ and observed absent-mindedly the trees of Central Park as the cab drove through the green area. She paid the fare then stepped into his building, not bothering to knock on his door as she arrived on the right floor.

He was there, folding laundry.

"Have you already moved to The Palace Hotel? I thought that it would take you the whole day."

"I am pregnant."

If she had had to play the scene again, she would have used a lot more tact instead of rushing into things as she had just done. It had been harsh from her part, not that responsible.

She looked, a bit disarmed and sorry, how his face became livid while the rest of his body seemed to have stopped being active. His right hand was still up in the air, holding a shirt. His eyes were blank.

"It isn't Stanley's."

"I know."

Of course he knew. She hadn't slept with anyone but him in months and even though she had remained quiet about it, the decadence of her marriage had turned into a sort of open secret that only condescendence had kept under silence until then.

He never said a word when he saw that she wasn't fine, that the situation was tough and the feelings were harsh. Most of the times, he simply pressed her hand _ awkwardly enough, though _ and they both looked in opposite directions as if ashamed of their sudden closeness.

Then it had happened, once. They had kissed and before realizing the consequences of their act, they had awoken in each other's arms the next morning. She had never been in love with him nor had he been with her. They simply had had sex together, for whatever reason then closed the chapter as quickly as it had got opened.

Or at least they had thought so because now everything had been put into wonders again and they had to deal with it.

The room began to spin around. She sat down on the edge of the sofa and bit the inside of her mouth nervously. Men had always had a thing to make her feel vulnerable. She should have known better and accepted the fact that it would be the same with Will.

"Are you sure that you are?"

Before she got enough time to reply her throat tightened and she had to swallow hard to push back the tears that were asking for nothing but to rush out bitterly. So she nodded quietly and looked down at her lap.

"Did you see your gynecologist? What did he say? Or she…"

It was odd to hear him speak about such personal matters, words that had no reason to find themselves in his mouth. It didn't match the network of their supposedly definite relation that equaled a precarious friendship.

"I haven't seen her yet. I only bought a test and it turned out to be positive."

"You should have told me earlier that you had doubts."

His remark could have sounded fair but knowing the situation, Karen felt offended and couldn't help gasping before locking her eyes with his brown ones.

"I did! I… It only hit me a couple of hours ago. You know how things have been hectic in my life, lately. This is the kind of details I could miss."

They didn't add anything. She made a medical appointment for the very next day and promised Will to tell him about it but as she arrived at the private clinic, he was standing there; waiting for her.

He never grabbed her hand or anything though. The whole situation looked like the exact opposite of the classic movie scenes. They got the confirmation of the pregnancy but remained blank before the ultra-sound picture, even when the beats of the heart resounded loud in the quiet room.

They were like hypnotized, completely taken aback.

"Two months and a half…"

It had only been two months and a half since they had tried to forget the mistake of that night.

"I will be back in a minute, excuse me."

The door got closed behind the scientist but Karen barely heard it. Sat on the edge of the bed _ feet balancing in the air _ she was focused on the blurry picture where masses of black seemed to melt into white by moments.

It didn't look like life.

But still…

"I want to have this child."

Her voice had been fragile but the words had sounded right enough. She looked up at Will, determined.

"I am going to have this child."


	2. The Beginning

**The beginning – Grace's point of view**

"You are going to end up together."

The worst of all was the absence of anger in Grace's words. Bitterness had softened her voice dramatically and the sadness that emanated from it resulted worse.

"We are not. We aren't in love with each other."

"And so what, it is only a matter of time before you both realize what looks like an evidence now."

"It has been a mistake…"

"I tend to call it fate."

Since she had slept with Will, there hadn't been a day without her thinking how their life would have turned if they had remained silent about it. They would have pretended that nothing had happened and carried their heavy secret along, through implicit gazes and fast heartbeats.

For some reason she was sure that it wouldn't have affected their world as their honesty had.

She was the one who had insisted though. The guilt had been too strong and the shame unbearable. Will had only nodded _ probably reluctantly enough now that she thought about it _ and so they had confessed everything.

"You know that if we could come backwards, I would choose another end."

"Don't you see that it is a sign? Damn, it is so obvious. I can't believe that you are still trying to ignore it. Will had slept with only one woman before you. He is openly gay and didn't have anything to prove to himself this time. But he still spent the night with you _ just one _ and now you are pregnant. This is the kind of things that doesn't happen every day. How many times have you found yourself pregnant after a one-night stand? It was probably written in the end."

"Probabilities were low, I suppose."

They were and she knew it. For years she had tried to have a baby with Stanley and things had never worked out. A single night with Will had been enough, a single night and a messy schedule on her birth control pills.

The way existence could tip over without any warning had always made her shiver. It was when she had a feeling that she was in control of absolutely nothing.

"I am sorry."

"What are you sorry for? You are going to have a child, you should be ecstatic. I assume that if you have decided to keep it then it is because you want it. The fact you are now moving in with Will is pure logic."

"It is only during the pregnancy time. Then I will get a new flat."

Grace laughed and shook her head slowly. A pale smile was deepening her features, made her look older all of a sudden.

"I don't even give the two of you three months before you accept the idea that it was meant to be, that you were meant to be. But you know what? I am not even surprised. As a matter of fact, I have always known it. Perhaps you don't remember the first time you met Will but I do. It was at my office and when you both exchanged a first glance, I knew there was something."

If she had had to be honest, she would have recognized that she remembered it perfectly. Instead she looked down at the floor, a bit coward and let Grace go on.

"I am not mad at you and Will but at myself because I have the most wonderful husband and I love him so much… It is selfish but what can I say? I don't want Will to be happy with anyone but me. And all these things _ the baby, your one-night stand _ it was my dream. This is not fair for Leo, not fair at all but I can't help it."

Grace's union to Leo had given strength to her decision to tell the truth about that night. If her friend had been single, Karen would have thought about it twice. The consequences would have reached another stage, not so disproportionate for people who knew about Will and Grace's common past though.

The presence of Leo in Grace's life had changed the perspectives and even though she might have been jealous of what was happening, Grace hadn't stormed out as she could have done if there hadn't been anyone by her side.

She hadn't accepted it with philosophy but resignation then avoided the least allusion to it. It was just that nobody had foreseen this pregnancy.

"I have to go, now. Brooklyn is far."

Karen didn't like the way they all pretended to have turned the page and kept on living as if it hadn't changed anything. It was a lie, a mere façade.

An awkward gaze, a too long silence and the fact she had slept with Will rushed back to them with the harshness of reality.

She closed the door behind Grace and went back to the bedroom that her friend had used for so many years. It was hers, now. As much as she had tried to look distant about it, she had been relieved when Will had suggested her to move in with him. Besides the fact that he would be able then to follow the pregnancy day by day, she had seen in it the opportunity to run away from a scaring loneliness she wasn't ready to deal with.

So she had accepted.

Not bothering to open a suitcase and unpack her things, Karen went straight to bed and tried to disappear under the blanket. For a lot of years she had fantasized about living there. It might have been small but it was a cozy place she had always observed with envy.

Except that things had changed now, breaking down the spell.

She closed her eyes and let the tears fall down.

She had never liked novelty.


	3. Day after Day

**Day after Day**

At least in the bathroom he couldn't hear her cry. The shower stifled her sobs as the steam made her disappear _ if only virtually _ from a life that didn't look at all what she had planned.

Perhaps her ambition had ended up blinding her and she had forgotten about the fragility of existence; how you could fall down so easily from your pedestal. Unless it was fair and she had to pay now for a couple of things from the past.

So she took her time every morning. Her eyes closed, she let the water drops slide along her body _ caressing her curves with a quiet sensuality _ while her tears followed until the edge of her lips. It was a sort of ritual flirting dangerously with the shades of an odd habit and as she stepped out of the tub, her eyes remained fixed on the reflection of her stomach sent back by the mirror.

Three months yet but she didn't see the slightest change; no mattered Jack kept on saying the exact opposite. Every day he alluded to her hips, her stomach, her breasts. But for her she was still the same, vaguely obsessed by the fact her sudden brand new life was passing completely unnoticed to her mind.

Grace preferred to ignore the subject but the long pauses in their conversations only managed to highlight their heavy discomfort.

But the real disaster came from her life with Will. They might have stopped arguing _ probably troubled by her pregnancy _ but it didn't change a lot. Their connection was poor, extremely precarious when all she needed was to be reassured.

If by moments she was glad to see that they both liked some things, most of the time it resulted that they had nothing in common at all.

He was an early bird; she had a thing for the night and its quietness. She liked jazz; he preferred opera. She tended to watch documentaries on television; he always went for reality shows. He cooked pasta; she loved spaghetti. She could have gone on and on about their differences but since it always brought tears to her eyes and made her throat tighten, she took a deep breath then tried to find a bright side to their singular story.

Sadly enough her conclusions were poor if not pitiful: they were both control freaks about their lives and yet they had messed those like nobody.

So they made efforts but the result was so faked that it almost sounded worse.

"Would you like to go on a little getaway this weekend?"

Her fork stopped right in the middle of her scrambled eggs and she looked up at him, surprised. Until then their breakfasts had always rimed with the artificiality of a conversation oriented towards her medical appointments.

"Why are you asking me that?"

Will shrugged matter-of-factly. He seemed rather relaxed and for once she knew that he wasn't pretending anything. She had always preferred his honesty over his lies; no mattered it was harsher. At least it was him, in all his imperfections.

"Because… It has been a long time since we haven't left for a couple of days and I am suffocating in Manhattan right now, in this flat. Perhaps changing air would be good for us. Unless you are tired or have already made plans."

Since her divorce with Stanley her social life had been reduced to a fruit juice on Wednesday afternoons with Jack. Her so-called friends from The Upper East Side had never returned her calls and the invitations had stopped arriving into her mailbox; not that she was really surprised but it still hurt somehow.

"Where would you like to go?"

She restrained a smile as her voice showed great control. She didn't want to sound too thrilled by Will's suggestion even though deep inside she was really pleased. Nobody had to know that she could be so easily satisfied.

"I was thinking about New Hope. There is a nice hotel, a sort of Bed and Breakfast. I can book today if you want to."

She let a few seconds fly away before nodding at him.

"Well if Leo can come along I am sure that Grace will be okay…"

"Actually I was thinking that we could go there together and… And only the two of us…"

It hadn't even crossed her mind and she hurried to take a mouthful of her scrambled eggs to hide the blush on her cheeks.

"I am sorry; I should have been more specific. Is it a problem for you, Kare?"

She shook her head then took a sip of her green tea before making a face. She missed the taste of coffee in the morning. Actually she missed a lot of things but there wasn't time for melancholy.

"No, it is fine. Let's just do it."

"Okay, I will when I arrive at the office. Do we share a cab?"

"No, I am going to stay here."

"Are you alright?"

His constant questions about her health got on her nerves but for some reason, she never showed it and simply smiled back at him. He was just being nice, concerned about something he could only witness from the outside.

Somehow it was probably frustrating for him so he was being nice to compensate the whole thing.

"Yes, I am."

"Why did you stop going to work in the morning?"

"I like staying in bed for a while, having a rest. It is no big deal."

Besides when he closed the door behind him and she was left alone, she could abandon herself to her tears without dreading he might walk in on her unexpectedly.

But that was something she wasn't about to tell him.


	4. Getaway to New Hope

**Getaway to New Hope**

Stanley never understood that the simplest things could also be the best ones.

He needed eloquence, a sort of grandeur that would prove to the whole world how he had succeeded in his business. From the outside it was terribly appealing but once you happened to be part of his life, it turned into a sad monotony.

Everything sounded faked, exaggerated to the most and the least decision lost its authenticity at the same time as its charms. The spell got broken and you were left aside.

The sun was piercing through the trees, caressing her face by successive waves of warmth as the branches let the light go through. Leaning against the window, Karen closed her eyes and smiled. She felt fine.

They passed a cover bridge, an old red one.

"When I think of why I make pictures, the reason that I can come up with just seems that I've been making my way here. It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you."

His voice made her jump and uncomfortably enough, she stared at him, confused.

"What are you talking about?"

They had slept together once, just once. When they had awoken the next morning, they had taken the decision to draw a line under everything. They weren't even attracted to each other, not in the slightest way. It had been a mistake and from then on they had adopted those words to reassure themselves.

The romanticism of his remark had nothing to do here, in the narrowness of the rented car, since the purpose of their weekend was purely chaste.

Still concentrated on the road, Will laughed lightly.

"Don't cover bridges remind you of The Bridges of Madison County, the movie?"

A drop of sweat ran down her spine as she slowly nodded at him. She had never been able to quote the least movie. As much as she loved watching them, the dialogues never remained in her head and even the images turned blurry after a while.

She had no memory whatsoever and sometimes it was better like that.

They finally arrived to a Victorian house in the main street of New Hope. The traffic had been dense during the last miles. Like every weekend the little town seemed to come back to life on Saturday morning as soon as the sun appeared in the sky. Shops remained opened very late, restaurants were full all day long and the streets were crowded until the last hours of Sunday evening.

The lobby of the hotel was cozy and intimate enough, matching with the style of Bucks County. A woman in her fifties was behind the desk at the reception, a mug of tea in hand. Will approached and she looked up, smiling brightly at him.

Karen remained behind, observing the scene with distance. She had always loved how people in New Hope seemed relaxed and happy. It had nothing to do with the intensity of Manhattan, its stress.

"I am afraid that we are facing a problem with room 14. It isn't available anymore."

Apparently the shower had broken a couple of hours earlier and it wouldn't be repaired before next week. As the hotel was full, this meant they had to share the other booked bedroom. It was a nice one, overlooking the garden; very quiet, assured the woman.

The door got closed and Will turned around, making a face.

"I am sorry. I know that you were probably looking forward to having more space for yourself this weekend but it doesn't seem about to happen."

"It is okay. It isn't your fault."

There was a time when she would have argued, behaved as a spoiled child just for the pleasure to get on his nerves but she didn't dare anymore.

"If you are tired, you can take a nap. We will have lunch later."

She didn't hesitate very long. The journey had been short but she hadn't managed to fall asleep and she was now exhausted. Leaving her travel bag half-unpacked, Karen took her shoes off and made her way to the bed; hand on her hip.

It didn't pass unnoticed.

"Are you alright?"

"It is my back. It hurts, sometimes."

The pillows were smooth under her head. They smelled of vanilla. She turned on her side, closed her eyes and smiled, relaxed after a two-hour car ride.

"What is it like?"

Her eyes fixed the wall in front of her. There was an old photography hung up there, in black and white; the image of a cover bridge. She turned on her back and looked at Will who was now sat on the edge of the mattress, intimidated.

"What are you talking about?"

With his head he motioned her stomach and shrugged, obviously troubled.

"Do you feel anything? How is it?"

Until now they had only talked about the theory of her pregnancy from a medical point of view and a series of dates on a tight schedule. Jack had tried once to head into this direction but she had simply refused, uncomfortable enough.

"Oh… That… No, I… I don't know. I am just rather tired for the moment and that's all. My back hurts too, a bit more than the usual."

"Do you miss drinking?"

If Will's interrogatory was what he had in mind for the weekend, she would very soon regret to have accepted the deal and would miss Manhattan sooner than what she had thought in the first place.

She just wished they could put it all into parenthesis, just for once.

"There are a lot of things I miss, a lot of things."

She turned her back at him and closed her eyes tight; her fists clenched.


	5. For the Weekend

**For the Weekend**

Karla's looked a lot like those gastro pubs she had tried a few times in England; a refined cuisine but a very simple decoration, a cozy one that reminded you of home. The greenhouse was a must on sunny days, its large French windows offering a unique view over the main street of the little town.

They sat there in silence and studied the menu. Lunchtime was already behind but the customers hadn't left and the restaurant was still crowded, boiling under the brouhaha of the conversations. Some were just having a drink while others were trying one of the pastries the French baker sold on the other side of the street every morning.

She had always loved the name of his bakery, _C'est la vie_. It was bitter and yet rather sweet, melancholic.

"Do you come to New Hope very often?"

A large smile anticipated Will's reply. From what she had seen until now, he seemed to know the town rather well and even had his favorite addresses. She just didn't remember him or Grace having alluded to any getaway here.

"It is a very gay friendly place. Michael used to love it."

For a few seconds she didn't know what to say and almost apologized for what sounded like a tactless question. She hadn't met him yet when Michael was sharing Will's life but she had understood rather easily the importance the man had had.

She might have just made a faux-pas.

"And you, do you come very often? For some reason I can't picture Stanley here. There isn't any private club where you can smoke the cigar and sip a Brandy."

"Not really, no…"

But for some mysterious reason, the conversation set off and never really ceased after this awkward beginning. The meal flew away with the fluidity of a logic they had lost a long time ago and it was so relieving to feel it back; as if nothing had changed, somehow.

As they passed the door of the restaurant, her fingers found his. The gesture was timid, uncertain but before his absence of remark, Karen's self-confidence grew and as they made their way back to the main street, she held his hand tightly.

It might have sounded weird but she had a feeling they had finally made the peace after the storm of the last events. They hadn't touched _ not even unintentionally _ since the night they had spent together as if they had put an unconscious barrier that would resolve everything. It was stupid and they knew it, too well.

"Let's go to The Canal, would you? I like this walk."

"Aren't you tired?"

She was but the perspective to stroll along the bank had won over her fatigue even before she had thought about it. They would have time to go shopping the next day, maybe even enjoy one of those street art shows New Hope seemed to appreciate a lot.

They cut by the post office museum and began to follow The Delaware in the shadows of the trees. There was a breeze caressing their napes, almost invisible until you closed your eyes and realized it was a lot more than a mere acolyte for the stroll. It rocked you slowly through the path, guiding you along your life.

Contrasting with the silence of the past weeks, the words were rushing out suddenly, without any interruption; warming up their hearts as if they were back to their old relationship. For a few minutes Karen even forgot about her pregnancy and everything seemed to fall into pieces, as it used to.

They should have never kissed that night. It had broken it all into pieces.

Slowly enough they made their way back to the hotel but stopped at a coffee shop before. Her stomach hurt for laughing so much, so lightly. She had missed this carefree attitude she used to have with him. It had nothing to do with the childish behavior she had with Jack. It reached another degree, one that made her understand why she had always liked spending some time with Will; why they got along so well when nobody knew about it.

Her smile remained on her lips for the rest of the day, passing completely unnoticed until she happened to see her reflection in a mirror and observe the occurrence quietly.

Will was having a shower and she was waiting for him in their bedroom, ready to go out for dinner. She could hear the water running in the background and as she had bent over to grab her purse, her hazel eyes had found the reflection of her face in the mirror.

Something had taken her aback. She had suspended the least movement then very carefully sat down on the edge of the bed to observe her features more closely. The depth of the lines seemed to have disappeared, softening the shape of her face with an odd effectiveness. She looked younger, fine.

The weight of her insomnias had finally gone as well; just like the invisible paths traced by her incessant tears.

With a shaking hand, she brushed the smile that was playing on her lips. It was warm, fragile but real. It hadn't happened in a very long while.

The door of the bathroom opened and put an abrupt end to her quiet contemplation. Fresh from the shower Will raised his eyebrows playfully before shrugging. She wasn't the only one who looked relaxed suddenly.

"I wouldn't say no to pasta, how about you?"

"Actually I prefer spaghettis."

Her comment _ as random as it had sounded _ took Will aback. Unaware of the fact his mouth was wide opened, he remained still staring at her as if she had just said the oddest thing ever.

"You do? I actually prefer spaghettis myself but since people always complain about them I end up choosing pasta instead."

Since her childhood she had heard people talk about the small things of life, how the slightest detail could make it all bright. She had grown up and lost faith in what looked the most innocent spell that made of existence such a unique notion for not experiencing it; until now.

Who would have thought that an allusion to spaghettis would make her smile so brightly?


	6. Emptiness of a Dream

**Emptiness of a Dream, Sleepless Night of Tears**

She didn't wake up against him.

When she opened her eyes the next morning and came to face the empty bed, Karen wondered if Will had observed her while she was still sleeping. People might consider the gesture as slightly disturbing but she had always loved doing so with her own partners.

There was something quiet about it, something sweet that vanished as soon as people left their dreams behind and plunged back into the day. Unfortunately most of the men she had shared her bed with had never stayed long enough for her to fulfill this odd habit. Her husbands even had their own bedrooms, on the other side of the corridor; such a cold tradition in the high society of New York.

And when she finally managed to wake up in her lover's arms, it often turned into a bitter realization, just like with Will.

As the reminiscence of their awkward morning was slowly making its way back to her head, the door of the bathroom got opened, taking away a few regrets she had.

If only by then he had looked as serene as he did now.

A lazy breakfast in the greenhouse of the hotel led them to a peaceful walk through the main street of the town. The shops had opened in all their extravaganza of hippie clothes and handmade jewels that didn't match at all their usual preferences. Though like most of the visitors, they got taken away by the peculiar spirit of New Hope, far from their daily stress and the coldness of the crowd, this society they had made theirs in spite of everything; for lacking any other choice, perhaps.

Even the worst things could adopt the shades of normality after a while.

Abdicating to Will's suggestion to try on an ankle-length, old white cotton dress, Karen disappeared in the very far end of the shop. As she proceeded to take off her top, her eyes immediately stared at her stomach.

Something had happened in the morning. While in the bathroom getting ready for the day, she had put on some pants but hadn't been able to zip them up properly. They still fit the legs but not her waist and even less her stomach. With an odd apprehension she had looked at herself in the mirror _ through the steam of the shower _ and realized the change for the very first time, as if her body had evolved during the night.

She had opted for a dress instead and tried to ignore the fact but it hadn't really left her mind since then and now that she was back in front of a full length mirror, she couldn't help but watch _ touch _ what looked like a bump on her stomach.

She agreed to buy the dress even though she would never wear it once back to Manhattan. It would belong to New Hope and the sentiment of well-being the small town had spread over her heart if only for a weekend.

But before she could notice anything, they had packed and the day had ended. Her head leaned against the window of the car she kept on observing quietly the trees they were leaving behind. She had a bitter taste in mouth, the one of defeat as if they were going backwards and dropping out whatever they had built for the last hours.

They crossed Hamilton without saying a word, stopped at a streetlight. Raindrops suddenly fell along the windows of the car.

"I have just spent the best two days of my life."

She said it softly, her eyes fixed on a brick building. It was unplanned and extremely sincere. Before his absence of reply she finally looked at him and smiled.

"Thank you, Will."

Her hazel eyes found his brown ones and all of a sudden everything stopped; the rain, the memories, the mistakes and the melancholy of a Sunday evening. There were just the two of them left in the middle of a world hung to their minds, their silent wonders.

Very slowly her hand slid on her leg, caressed the leather seat. She brushed his fingers in a restrained gesture and as she was about to succumb to the touch, the car behind theirs honked, breaking it all within a second.

The rest of the journey remained silent and cold. As the skyline of Manhattan appeared, Karen's throat tightened. For the very first time in her life she didn't want to go back to what she had always called her life, her choices.

The harshness she had learned to love seemed to have lost its charms, suddenly. She was tired of it and needed a break longer than a mere couple of days in Pennsylvania. She wanted change but not necessarily the one that was coming.

Perhaps she shouldn't have taken the decision to keep the baby...

They ate in silence some leftovers and resigned before the fact nobody seemed to feel like passing the door they headed to bed rather early.

As if the darkness had tightened an invisible grip around her heart, when she turned the lights off and closed her eyes a strong emptiness suddenly spread over her mind. The sensation burnt and was icy at the same time, making her suffocate as it seemed to block the way to her tears that were accumulating as the seconds were passing by. A bit uncertain, she got up and opened the door _ made a few steps towards Will's bedroom _ but as she looked down at the floor, she didn't see any light.

It was probably better like that.

So she went back to bed and finally managed to cry.


	7. About Last Night

**About Last Night**

After years of a monotone routine, it seemed that all of a sudden the slightest detail in Karen's life needed adjustment.

She had put her Upper East Side dream into parenthesis _ if not dropped it out at all _ renouncing thus to penthouses overlooking Central Park and socialite parties, to share instead a two-bedroom apartment with a man who would never be able to bring her any kind of romantic relationship whatsoever in spite of the fact they were about to have a child together.

And among the mess she was living, this was the worst: maternity, the biggest change in her life and the scariest one as well for all the things it meant. When there was nobody around and she began to get bored, her wonders flew away until they reached the hypothetical shapes of the existence she would lead once she would have given birth to the baby.

She hated doing so, mainly because it always remained blurry and precarious when all she needed was certainty, strength and reassurance. Besides, it made her feel lonely.

Since her return from New Hope though, Karen had had to face another kind of novelty that might have needed just as much adjustment as all the rest. Curiously enough she hadn't imagined that it would touch her at this point but the changes in her body were so radical that they had ended up taking her aback, leaving her disarmed.

She bumped into everything. It might have sounded stupid but it seemed that she constantly forgot about her new figure until she took her clothes off at the end of the day and realized that she was covered with bruises.

It made Will laugh, which tended to get on her nerves even more and she had stopped counting the times she had stormed out to her bedroom in a whirl of dramatic sighs and barely restrained tears. That was another aspect of her pregnancy: she was being sensitive.

"Would you be available on Thursday night? Leo will be in Las Vegas so perhaps we could do something together."

Besides breaking the heavy silence that had been floating over the office for quite a while, Grace's suggestion brought a sincere surprise to the scene. Since the announcement of the pregnancy, they hadn't seen each other a lot. Karen knew that it hadn't been caused by a busy schedule. Grace had avoided her on purpose.

She was surprised that she might be ready to turn the page over her quiet anger so quickly.

"Would you mind to do something on Friday, instead?"

Her throat tightened as she locked her eyes with her friend's. She swallowed hard, ignoring the loud beats of her heart.

"It doesn't have to be a long night out, you know. We could have dinner at some place then go to the movies. I understand that you need to sleep."

"That's not the reason, actually. It is just that on Thursday, we usually rent a movie with Will and spend the evening together."

Her confession made her feel bad for her relationship with Will sounding like the one of a couple when they weren't and would never be; and she had had to tell it to Grace on top of all. She shouldn't have rushed into things.

"Oh…"

It wasn't disappointment but pain that resounded in Grace's voice, an obvious bitterness.

Growing uncomfortable, Karen stood up and went for a glass of water but as she turned around, her stomach hit her friend who was standing there. Grace made an instinctive step backwards and stared at the voluminous _ or so _ stomach.

Apart from Jack, nobody seemed to feel like touching it. On the contrary, it had turned into a sort of zone that had to be avoided.

"We are just trying to work things out, to make our cohabitation bearable. This is not what you think."

Feeling a bit dizzy, Karen headed back to her desk slowly but she didn't miss her friend's sarcastic laugh. It hurt, quietly.

"Why don't you accept the fact it is going to happen, one of those days? Your stubbornness is ridiculous, Karen."

"Because things are clear and we want to stick to them."

"So they weren't before and that's why you needed to sleep with him?"

The room began to spin around. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath before leaning her head against her fist.

"If there is something Will and I agree with is that it should have never happened. It might not have been an accident but clearly a mistake and now we are stuck with the consequences."

Grace didn't reply and bit her lower lip instead, shaking her head slowly. She looked sad, on the verge to burst into cries. It took Karen aback.

"I know you think that what I am saying isn't fair because this was your dream and I am just complaining about it but the thing is… I am not you, honey. I will never be. So it doesn't work out between Will and I as it would if you had had a child with him. As much as we will try to work it out, Will and I will never have the complicity you two have."

"He prefers men but he still chose you in the end. How can it be that bad? He is the nicest person you could find. He is smart, good-looking and… How can you say that you regret it? You have no idea how lucky you are, Karen."

A wave of heat rushed to her face _ embracing her heart _ as a sweat drop ran down her spine icily. She wasn't fine, probably panicking before the confrontation but there was something more.

Perhaps morning sickness; she hadn't had any until then.

"Don't you understand that we are living a nightmare, Grace? We got drunk, had sex and woke up the next morning having absolutely no memory whatsoever of the night we had just spent together. Yes, I am responsible for what happened and I assume it but please, don't say that I am lucky. Personally I think that it is a rather pitiful story; and such a bad start for a baby."

"Then why did you decide to keep it?"

Grace seemed to have calmed down but looked perplexed now, uncomfortable enough. She was moving nervously on her stool.

As a new wave of heat spread over her, Karen stood up unsteadily then shrugged at her friend; shaking.

"Will is gay and I am thirty-eight years old. It is probably our only chance to ever know what parenthood is; no matters things haven't turned out the way we had planned. This is how life works. You can't have control over everything."

The lassitude in her voice slid like a whisper on her lips, almost apologetically.

Karen never knew what Grace thought of it though because the room suddenly stopped spinning around and everything went black as she hit the desk and passed out.


	8. It Might Be Time

**It Might Be Time**

She woke up at an odd sensation in her inner wrist, not painful but distracting. She opened her eyes and looked down only to notice that she was going under perfusion.

In spite of her astonishment it seemed like she remained quiet enough because as her gaze landed on Will, he was still staring by the window of the room; his back turned at her.

As if everything was going in slow motion, it took her a few seconds more to hear the beeps of the machine piercing the silence regularly. She was under monitoring, unless the baby was; she wasn't sure. She tried to sit up in the bed but her movement set off a new sound on one of the machines, making her jump.

"Damn…"

"Are you alright?"

Will rushed to the bed and grabbed her hand. He was holding it tight and the deep features on his face made him look worried if not scared.

"Yes, I guess so. What am I doing here?"

If he hadn't seemed so preoccupied by her health, she would have been just fine but her heart speeded up its pace suddenly, resounding louder on the machine.

"Let me call a nurse before. They asked me to do so as soon as you would wake up."

Anemia was the reason why she had passed out at the office but since it had happened rather early, her pregnancy hadn't been put into danger and everything would be alright if she kept on taking her vitamin pills.

She would be released before the end of the week.

If she had been asked about her pregnancy, she would have said that this moment had determined a lot of things. Waking up connected to several machines, this is when Karen fully understood what motherhood meant and within a second all her doubts had flown away.

She wanted this child more than anything, with Will.

Against her expectations the week passed by rather quickly and before she could realize it, Friday arrived, announcing the end of her hospital stay.

She had just packed her things and was already pacing the room mentally in anticipation of her departure when someone knocked on the door. Sat on her bed, Karen looked at her cell phone and frowned.

It couldn't be Will who would pick her up later in the afternoon and Jack was supposed to spend the whole day with Elliott as he had told her previously.

"Come in."

What she noticed first got to be the huge bouquet of white lilies, then the shaking hand that was holding it as Grace entered the room timidly. She hadn't come until now, hadn't called either and when Karen had asked Will about it, he had simply shrugged; obviously uncomfortable before the question.

"Hi…"

If she had managed to be mad at Grace at some point in the past, it was just impossible now. It didn't work, making her feel too bad.

That's why she smiled back and accepted the flowers quietly.

"These are for you. I remembered that lilies were your favorite ones in spite of the fact you always said that you deserved a lot more than mere flowers…"

"Thank you. They are beautiful."

Grace looked nervous and uncomfortable, avoiding Karen's gaze as much as possible. She settled near the window _ somewhere in the shadows of the trees of the street outside _ and cleared her voice.

"It is not that I didn't want to come and visit you, it is just that I needed time and… You scared me to death when you passed out. You have no idea! You wouldn't wake up and you were turning so pale _ almost blue _ that I didn't know what to do. Thank God the paramedics arrived rather quickly. I really thought that I had lost you."

"You don't get rid of me that easily…"

But Grace didn't laugh at her light reply. She seemed to feel too bad for that.

"I have been a little shaken this week, because of what happened. Then I spoke to Leo and he told me that you would be doing okay and that I should come to see you. Please accept my apologies, for everything. I don't want to miss everything in our life because of my stupid envy."

"Your reaction isn't stupid. I have betrayed you somehow. I am the one who should be apologizing right now."

They let a couple of seconds fly away, awkwardly enough.

"How is your stomach going? You hit your desk while passing out. You weren't bleeding or anything but still."

Grace's sudden change of conversation brought a wave of relief to her mind. She had never liked those moments when everyone apologized then burst into tears. It made people look silly for being so vulnerable; too weak.

She preferred when things went implicitly.

"I have a bruise, another one to accompany the whole collection I had started before."

"Can I… Can I touch it?"

Grace had made her way to the bed and was now standing awkwardly next to the nightstand, hands twisted nervously while her eyes were riveted to her friend's stomach.

"Of course, you can."

She did. The palm of her hand made contact with Karen's stomach and they both remained quiet, not sure what they were exactly waiting for. The baby wasn't moving yet and it was hard to feel it at any time.

When she returned to the two-bedroom Upper West Side apartment that evening, Karen looked all around then took a deep breath.

It was time to move on, to turn the page over the past few months and get concentrated on her pregnancy.

"Are you okay?"

Sat at the table and waiting for dinner to be served, she looked up at Will; then smiled brightly.

"I am happy to be here."


	9. Finding the Right Words

**Finding the Right Words**

Her eyes wandered from a side to another. Even if it was pointlessly, she was taking her time just to make him believe that her hesitation actually reflected the fact that she was facing a lot of possibilities when she didn't have any.

Besides it went on his nerves and that was delighting.

Will cleared his voice in obvious exasperation which only resulted to find a resonance in an amused smile on her lips but of course, she pretended not to have notice the slightest thing.

"Come on, Karen! It is only a game. Your life doesn't depend on it so please, play."

Rolling her eyes to push him even further, she finally grabbed a couple of lettered tiles and put them down on the board.

"Mum…"

"Why, it is a word!"

"Yes, it is but I can't believe that it took you so long to come up with it."

The frosty look she gave him stopped his upcoming remarks and doing his best to remain as calm as he could, Will grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper.

"You get five points."

She had never liked Scrabble for it reminding her constantly of those rainy summers spent in Scotland at her grandmother's house. The bad weather kept them locked inside and since there wasn't any television, the only way to fight boredom was playing this game.

Her sister used to find the best combinations of letters every time, coming up with words that always reached the highest score when she was left behind in the depths of the rankings which made the whole family laugh joyfully while she found it humiliating.

But Will had taken a few days off only to be by her side since she wasn't allowed to come back to the office yet and she hadn't managed to say no when he had taken off a shelf the box of the game.

Poker was easier and a lot more appealing to her. Her first husband had taught her and she had made a lot of money thanks to the cards, through the years; her successive marriages probably helping a lot in the art of lying and pretending.

Growing in frustration Karen rolled on her back and stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. Since she had been released from the hospital, she had spent most of her time there _ laid down _ wondering about her life. At the beginning she had thought that her imposed rest would be a nice occasion to catch up on some readings but she had been unable to properly concentrate on anything. Her eyes always ended up fixed on her stomach that hadn't stopped growing.

Sometimes it was hard to accept the fact that it was hers and not some stranger's one.

"Would you prefer a girl or a boy?"

She couldn't help the smile that played on her lips as she asked him about his preferences. The question had been haunting her mind for quite a while now and she hadn't managed to come to any conclusion when it had surely stirred up her curiosity concerning Will's opinion on it.

"I don't mind, as long as the baby is healthy."

"Coward…"

Will ignored her teasing comment and took a sip of his tea before shrugging timidly.

"I know that my mother would love to have a granddaughter."

The mention of Marilyn caused her body to get tensed, suddenly. This was a part of the story that strangely enough hadn't crossed her mind yet and it had just hit her right in the face, unexpectedly. It left her speechless, rather panicked.

"Since she only had sons I guess that she would be thrilled to finally have a girl in the family."

Lacking air, Karen got up without any warning and headed out of the room. Her heart was beating too fast; her hands were shaking.

"Are you alright? Where are you going to?"

"To the bathroom…"

But as she reached the doorframe of her bedroom, she stopped and turned around to look at Will intently.

What had they done? How could they have reached such situation within a few months? It was crazy, not that reassuring.

"I hadn't thought about that."

"What are you talking about?"

Intrigued, Will sat up on the bed and shook his head. How could he be so calm after the words he had said?

"The family part… It hadn't crossed my mind."

"Well, we can't really hide it to them. Can we?"

"To be completely honest with you, this is plausible if we are talking about my so-called family. Now since yours isn't as dysfunctional or at least still has some bases, it might be different, indeed."

"You don't want to tell your mother that you are expecting a child?"

It sounded bad and it was but the truth was that she didn't feel like saying anything at all, to anyone. It wasn't shame but as much as she tried, she couldn't find any reason to break the news to some people she hadn't talked to in years.

"What are your parents going to say? We had a one-night stand, caused by alcohol, I got pregnant and since we aren't that young anymore we decided to keep the child… For some reason I am not sure they are going to like it that much, Will."

"Are you kidding? I am gay so this child is something they had lost hopes on when I had told them about my sexual preferences!"

If only it had been that simple but even though she didn't add anything and simply smiled at him, Karen knew that it would be far from being the truth.

She just needed time to accept it so with a gesture of the hand she turned the page over the conversation and went back to the bed.

"It is all about finding the right words, Karen."

Her eyes landed back on the board of the Scrabble. She motioned it with her head, biting the inside of her mouth to restrain any bad word.

"This is your turn. You can play, now."


	10. A Matter of Routine

**A Matter of Routine**

It had probably happened without them noticing it, coming along little by little as the days had passed by because when the door got closed and she found herself alone, Karen began to miss the presence of Will by her side.

It was the silence at first that weighed on her shoulders _ dragging her down _ but very soon the mere detail turned into an unbearable wait to get news from him.

He had promised to call but he didn't. He had mentioned emails but whenever she checked her inbox, it remained empty. On several occasions she dialed his number but shut down her cell phone at the last second then rolled on her side in bed, trying to fall asleep again.

It hadn't crossed her mind that their relation might have evolved during those few days. They sure had spent time together _ barely argued _ but she hadn't had the sentiment that they had grown closer when obviously they had and now there was a distance between the two of them, it was hard.

Lunchtime went by in the most complete silence, the most complete anxiety; not necessarily before the fact that Will wasn't calling but for the sentiment of bitterness it left on her. Mug of tea in hand she was heading to the bathroom for a bath when the door flew open.

Jack came in, all smile.

For a very long time she had wondered where her friend found his daily energy then she had realized that it might have been as well his only weapon before the idea to feel disarmed. He hated that, just as she did except that alcohol and pills seemed to go better with her temper.

"What are you doing here, honey?"

"Why, it is Monday… And what do we do on Monday?"

"Oh…"

Pedicure; since the very beginning of their friendship, they had developed this odd habit at Grace's office. The smell of nail varnish got mixed with the wooden pencils and the various fabrics that littered the place constantly. She had always liked the combination of all those materials, the peculiar perfume emanating from them.

It smelled like home, the one she had in head.

A bit reluctant, Karen looked down at the floor. They weren't at the office, the murmur of the fax machine was lacking and the phone never seemed about to ring, unfortunately.

"I can't even see my feet properly now."

"You sure have put on weight, lately."

"Excuse me?"

She hadn't used this icy tone of voice for so long that as the words hit the air, it sent a chill down her spine. She swallowed hard, hurt but sorry at the same time. She hadn't meant to be that harsh with Jack.

There were just days in life when everything seemed to go bad.

"You aren't fat. It is just that your stomach grew a lot those past few weeks. That's all…"

"I was about to have a bath. Do you mind to wait for a little while? You can even come back later if you want. It is okay."

This time, Jack resulted the most offended one except that he didn't hide anything. On the contrary, he sighed dramatically.

"Since when am I not allowed to remain by your side while you are having a bath?"

The question embarrassed her a lot and she swallowed hard, feeling the heat rush to her cheeks uncontrollably.

"I don't know… I suppose it is better like that."

Her voice had suddenly lowered as her eyes had remained fixed on the hardwood floor. She felt stupid, fragile.

"Why would it be, Karen?"

"Because… I have changed. Things have changed."

"I seriously doubt that Will is going to be jealous if I happen to stay in the bathroom with you."

At the sound of his name, she couldn't help looking up and feeling how her heart speed up considerably. Had it ever happened before? And if so, how come she hadn't noticed it earlier?

"Of course, he doesn't care! It is just that… Well, look at me."

As much as she had tried to take the evolution of her body with philosophy, Karen still had difficulties to deal with it. Besides, the fact she was single had only comforted her fears and nobody had seen her naked since then; the last one being Will, four months earlier.

"I do and so what? Your body might have changed but you are even more gorgeous to me. You are expecting a baby; you couldn't be more beautiful right now."

His words didn't reassure her at all but she nonetheless accepted and went to the bathroom to fill the tub. Perhaps Jack's presence would make her forget how she missed Will, for no particular reason since he would be back in the evening.

Did these things happen when she used to live with Stanley?

At the same time they barely spent a day together, barely talked whatsoever either.

Succumbing to the heat of the water on her body, she leaned her head backwards and stared at the ceiling; hands on the sides of the tub.

This was when she missed the most her penthouse. There wasn't any large window overlooking The Upper East Side here, just a wall with some ceramic tiles on it.

"Does Will speak about me when he is with you?"

Jack frowned but seemed to keep any personal comment for himself and shrugged instead, clearly hesitating.

"Sometimes…"

Put down on a shelf, her cell phone suddenly vibrated. With a barely contained impatience she grabbed it and tried to calm down her heartbeats.

It was a message from Will.

She smiled brightly.

"What is it, Kare?"

"Nothing…"


	11. I Love Lucy

**I Love Lucy**

The knock on the door resulted soft but determined and Karen knew immediately that none of her friends was behind. Perhaps she had subconsciously sensed something because she didn't grow intrigued, only anxious, and as she cleared her voice to allow the visitor to come in, she sat up in bed quickly; adjusting her hair.

Even if she had been told earlier, she wouldn't have been prepared. In a crazy moment she would have probably packed and run away as she had done so many times in the past. By then it had seemed easier, almost logical. Though very slowly she had realized that your problems never remained that far and the more you waited, the harder they hit you back.

But still, as she watched at Marilyn enter the room, her heart began to pound loud in her chest just as it hurt too under the bare realization that she had been lied to as well. Will had never told her that his mother was supposed to come, that he had obviously planned to break the news.

She felt like she had been ignored and she didn't like it.

"When I was expecting Will, I had to stay in bed during the whole pregnancy."

If she had worn a large sweat-shirt, Karen would have been able to hold some hopes over the fact that Will had remained quiet and not said the slightest thing about the baby _ as stupid as it sounded _ but there she was in a satin top that let her stomach show.

Marilyn's eyes were fixed on it but she looked more uncomfortable than angry. She had a crisped smile on her lips and had timidly sat on the edge of the mattress, as far as she had been able to.

"It is just a matter of days, now. I should be back at work very soon."

"You are lucky. Those nine months in bed were rather depressing for me."

Karen intended a smile but it turned out to be a very pale one, almost invisible. If Marilyn felt uncomfortable then she was deeply embarrassed. The situation was odd, so far from all the dreams she had had once about her adult life.

"I didn't know that you were supposed to come, today."

"Oh I wasn't. Will had invited us to the restaurant and it is where he told us about you, about the whole thing. George had a meeting this afternoon, that's why he isn't here. He sends you his best wishes though."

"Thank you."

"How have you been feeling so far? Will hasn't been able to tell us. Obviously he is a bit overwhelmed by the situation. Well, who isn't?"

"I was very tired but no morning sickness. I am feeling better now, missing the outside world."

Marilyn nodded and looked down at the bed spread. The silence was too long between their respective replies, making it all artificial and hard.

"Please never take this child away from my son, from us. I don't know you very well and anything can happen between Will and you but please, don't do that to our family."

The request took her aback but she preferred not to lose herself into its analyze and simply nodded instead. The words would have hurt her, for so many reasons, that it was better to draw a line under them as quickly as they had come out. Marilyn changed the subject immediately.

"So you don't want to know the sex of the baby? That's what Will told me when I asked him. He said that you both preferred to wait until the birth. You are very patient. If I had been able to know before, I would have agreed immediately."

"Yes, we both want to keep it as a last-minute surprise. Besides it gives us time to think about all sort of things and avoid some clichés too, perhaps."

"So no pink or blue, I will have to remember it."

Actually they had never talked about anything concerning the pregnancy. Their conversations barely lasted more than five minutes and had constantly remained into a pure theory. They hadn't made plans, hadn't talked about the future as if they would always have enough time to mention all these things later.

Perhaps they were too scared of the facts.

"And have you yet a name in mind?"

She hadn't even thought about it, not once. The realization made her blush and she timidly shook her head, incapable of replying with proper words.

"That's okay. Besides, we are never sure of anything before holding the child in our arms."

"Yes, I suppose so. I don't know…"

"I learned that I would have to stay in bed when I was two months and a half pregnant and that until I gave birth. I guess I didn't realize what it meant until I got literally stuck between four walls. We had sent our two sons to my parents but George was working during the day and so I had to remain alone for what looked like interminable hours… I felt sad, empty; very often on the verge to cry. Then one day, I turned the television on and I Love Lucy was being aired. I watched it every day, waiting for it anxiously as the weeks passed by. This was my own daily routine, as pitiful as it was... The only company I had for such a long time... After two boys I was secretly hoping for a girl. I would have named her Lucy… But Will showed up and changed my plans, definitely."

The bitterness in Marilyn's voice didn't pass unnoticed and stirred up another wave of discomfort. For a few seconds Karen didn't dare to speak, unsure of the way she should react before what looked like silent regrets that had never seen the light until now.

She should have been touched to have been the one to hear the confidence but instead she turned sad.

"And how did you choose Will's name?"

"George's father passed away a few days before I gave birth. His name was William. He was a great man so it seemed alright and fair; logical, somehow."


	12. Coney Island

**Coney Island**

In a last curve they left the tunnel and the light finally pierced through the train, making her blink. Without a word, she stared at Manhattan vanish in the background over The East River.

Nobody knew it but there was a time when she used to make this journey every day. The skyline always fascinated her by then, like an unreachable dream she nonetheless couldn't afford to drop out. She had come to New York for it in the first place so what would have been the point to remain there if she didn't make it at the end?

And she had, meeting the right person at the right time.

As the train arrived to Brooklyn, she abandoned the contemplation of the landscape and preferred the floor instead. She knew the stations by heart, how long it would take them to reach their final destination on the very end of the network; and the rows of houses with their American flags, the little backyards.

For a few seconds she wondered if the building was still there, with its broken window on the third floor and all the trash cans near the parking lot. She didn't dare to check. Her throat had tightened too much.

Will cleared his voice, breaking down her wonders. She looked up at him but as his eyes met hers, she remained quiet and bit her lips. She was still mad at him for having told his parents about her pregnancy. They hadn't argued _ she hadn't even tried _ but had simply ceased to talk to each other and it was hard.

She missed him more than what she would have liked.

After a long ride, the ocean appeared between the brick buildings. The train stopped, they stepped out and headed to the street silently.

She hadn't suggested anything. He had taken her aback with the Coney Island idea, eliciting thus the sweet reminiscence of their weekend in New Hope that had flown away from her mind a bit too fast.

She had nonetheless accepted the suggestion, warmed up by the perspective to spend some time by the ocean. She just had hoped that it wouldn't set off too many memories she had meticulously tried to bury over the years.

They turned on their left, crossed the avenue and made it to the pier.

"Hold on a minute, please."

The astonished look on his face as she took her sandals off made her smile but she tried to hide it at the most, still playing hard with him for what he had done. Free of her shoes _ the first flat ones she had abdicated to _ she headed to the beach and closed her eyes as her feet plunged into the warmed up sand.

It was a sensation that she had missed a lot, just like the sound of the waves crashing a few feet below. Very slowly she approached the water and held her breath. The contact was icy but desperately needed, comforting.

She gasped as his hands suddenly wrapped up her waist, her knees, and he lifted her in the air, going towards the ocean.

"Do that and you are dead, Will!"

It made him laugh _ hard _ and as he began to tease her, she succumbed to laughter restrained for too long.

She was clutched to his neck, staring at the waves so close to her while her insults got mixed with her laugh.

"Don't take it bad, Karen, but I am afraid you are weighing a bit too much now and I am not going to be able to bring you back safe and dry to the sand…"

He was kidding; she knew it and yet played along pretending to be offended, scared. His body was warm against hers and all of a sudden she realized how she missed human touch.

As her feet found back the ground, she looked at him and shook her head.

Their smiles were enough to understand that the anger of the past few days was now over.

"Are you hungry? Let's go to Nathan's."

"Yes… Just a minute, please…"

Grabbing her ankle-length black dress, she lifted it up a little and went back to the ocean. She had gone shopping with Jack the day before to buy new clothes since the usual ones were now too small.

She had opted for several long skirts and crossover tops, large pants and flat shoes. She would miss her stilettos but she had had to accept the truth as the pain in her back hadn't seemed to be about to stop anytime soon.

The wardrobe gave her a new allure _ completely different _ but she didn't hate it either.

Finally she put back her shoes on and they headed hand in hand to Nathan's for a hot dog. Her heart was beating fast as they approached the famous restaurant.

They stood in line.

Apparently there were still many customers for Thursday lunchtimes.

But as the line eventually reduced and they made it closer to the counter, she grew nervous; ridiculously enough, though. It had been so long now that the staff had probably changed more than ten times.

"Two cheese dogs with French fries, two small diet cokes…"

She looked up nodding at Will's order and dared to gaze towards the casher. He was still there, considerably older but alive; against all expectations.

Following those strange coincidences so typical from life, he turned his head around and met her hazel eyes. They didn't move for a few seconds, didn't say anything. Will paid and they left with their tray for one of the outside tables at the far right of the restaurant.

Could he actually remember her? She had changed so much once moving to Manhattan, quitting her job at Nathan's as she had turned twenty-one. He already looked old by then, weakened by life. Yet he had remained the father she had lacked, not just a mere boss.

"You know, I…"

But as Will looked up at her _ hot dog in hand _ the words didn't come out. So she shook her head and smiled, apologizing implicitly. She fixed the table then shrugged, swallowing back melancholic tears of a past she finally might have liked.

"I like it here. I like it a lot. And I am glad you came with me."

It might not have been her first thought but she was still sincere; too much perhaps because Will didn't say anything and desperately tried to hide a wave of heat rushing to his cheeks.


	13. Always Cold by Night

**Always Cold by Night**

"You are cheating."

"I am not! My eyes are closed, I swear they are."

Her laughter suddenly filled the place and she brought her hands to her face to cover her eyes. In other circumstances, it would have got on her nerves and she would have stormed out, yelling that she wasn't a child anymore and didn't want to waste her time.

Things changed. We changed.

"Okay, perfect… Now hold on a second and don't open your eyes before I tell you to do so."

Faithful, Karen obeyed and concentrated on the sounds instead but she lacked practice which only made her efforts resound bare. She nonetheless felt his breath on her neck; shivered as his hands grabbed her wrists in a tender motion.

"Now you can have a look."

She did and came to face a vanilla cupcake with a candle on top of it. For a few seconds they both remained quiet, hand in hand.

"Happy fifth month, Karen…"

Will planted a kiss on her cheek then went back to his seat at the table. He had a genuine smile on his lips, a beautiful one that matched his delicate features.

After a very long while her eyes finally managed to abandon the contemplation of the cake and she stared at him instead, almost timidly.

"Thank you…"

She bent over, cupped his face with her hand and kissed his lips softly.

Since they had come back from Coney Island, they hadn't stopped multiplying gestures of complicity. She had fallen asleep against him that day, in the subway; rocked by the tracks and the warmth of the sun piercing through the windows.

Had the short getaway really set off something between the two of them? She wouldn't have been able to say but they had grown closer, little by little.

They kissed _ chastely but still _ and held hands a lot; spent most of their evenings together watching old movies. It seemed like they had finally found the balance that had cruelly lacked at the beginning and as their points on common appeared, their relation found all its logic. It was relieving.

"We haven't celebrated the previous months. Why have you chosen the fifth one?"

Biting into his chocolate cupcake Will shrugged and raised dubitative eyebrows.

"Don't you have the feeling to have reached a stage? Like we didn't dare to think too much about it until now, just in case… But you made it and it allows us to have those fantasies we had preferred to keep quiet."

His confession surprised her _ making her blush _ but she swept her reaction away immediately and grabbed her cupcake.

"And… What kind of fantasies do you have exactly?"

"I wonder whom he will look like. Or 'she'… What kind of colors we will choose for the nursery and how things will work out… Typical things, you know."

"Like the name…"

Her reply sounded bold and it seemed to amuse Will a lot. Elbows on the table, he leaned over and locked his eyes with hers.

"This is the kind of wonders you have been having?"

"I was only completing your sentence."

"But aren't you looking forward to holding this baby in your arms, to rock him or her to sleep then cover the little head with a thousand kisses?"

She hadn't. If she had had to be honest with Will at this exact moment, she would have had to answer with the most classical grammar sense of negation.

It hadn't crossed her mind, not even five seconds. Names had invaded her nights though but the face of the child had always remained blurry, like in a thick fog. She could barely picture out the figure of a small body.

It all sounded so far, so surreal.

"I am more focused on avoiding my own mother's mistakes, actually."

Cowardice; she had preferred to find conciliating words instead of sounding harsh just as she would if she had been honest with him.

The moment was too sweet to break it down into pieces, besides.

"You are going to do just fine, Karen."

"Yeah, hopefully…"

She finally bit into her cupcake, the taste of vanilla spreading in her mouth.

Will knew her very well because as much as in other circumstances she would have chosen a lemon cake she had been craving vanilla since the very beginning of her pregnancy. She had even changed her perfume for it, finding a lighter fragrance in another Chanel.

"I am sure that it is a girl."

"May I ask you why you think such a thing?"

"Vanilla… It is a sign, isn't it?"

She didn't reply and hid a smile instead. Even his arrogance and self-confidence looked nice enough to her now. The change was odd but not unpleasant.

They watched a movie in silence, kissed goodnight then headed to their respective bedrooms in a routine gesture.

She always found the place cold when she closed the door behind and settled under the blanket alone. Something was missing. The picture was incomplete and her heart remained fragile.

She turned the lights off and closed her eyes.

The first tears ran down her cheeks slowly, making their way to her neck before being joined by the next wave.

Sometimes she wondered if it would ever stop, if there would be a night when her dreams would take her away without her cries. It wasn't that she had lost hopes but for the moment, it was always cold by night.


	14. What I Miss the Most

**What I Miss the Most**

She put the mug on the desk and was about to go back to her seat when her attention got caught by a few sketches. There wasn't any color yet, only charcoal but the lines had been studied and well defined for what looked like a first attempt.

She grabbed one and observed it with attention.

"Do you like it?"

Without breaking eye-contact with the sketch, she nodded at Grace's question in silence.

"It is for a client who lives in Brooklyn. She is expecting her first child and wanted to have a designed nursery. Have you already thought about the one you would like for the baby?"

Her eyes were now focused on the crib, an old wooden one. The room didn't seem very big but the fluidity of the veil covering the baby's nest in a four-poster style added something to the place; something sweet she liked.

"Not really…"

After the birth, she was supposed to find an apartment and in the meantime there wouldn't be any nursery. Baby and mother would remain in the same room for a little while. There wasn't any shade to choose, any material to select. Her absence of projects was bare, even cold.

She felt ashamed.

In a rush she put the sketch back on top of the pile and went to sit at her desk.

She had missed the office more than she would have ever imagined.

In the first place she had accepted the job to get away from Stanley and the boring life of the Upper East Side mansion but little by little it had got importance, a lot more than what she had planned.

Perhaps that was her major issue in life. She always got surprised by the turn things adopted, as if her plans were underestimate in comparison with the grandeur of existence.

"I could help the two of you to determine the furniture, the colors and the theme you would like to have."

"Yes, sure… Thank you."

"I can go and buy take outs then discuss about it with you over lunchtime. What do you think about it?"

Her heart stopped for a few seconds and she felt a wave of heat rush up to her cheeks. Was it a lack of luck or a sign that meant a lot more than a pure coincidence? Moving nervously on her seat Karen cleared her voice and looked aside.

"Actually Will has booked a table for two at an Italian restaurant to celebrate my return to the office."

Grace's smile froze in a painful motion. It wasn't fair for her. Yet she tried to be nice and face the oddness of the situation but it seemed that whatever she did, it hit her back in the face with a sudden harshness.

"I am sorry, honey."

"Don't. It is alright. I understand… I really do."

Though an uncomfortable silence spread above their heads for what looked like a very long while. Leafing through the last edition of Vogue, Karen didn't dare to say anything and her eyes remained fixe on the pages of the fashion magazine. It was not that she had suddenly turned shy but the whole situation had put her in an uncomfortable role and she didn't know how to properly act.

Grace simply looked lost and empty.

It didn't work out.

"Do you miss your past life, with Stan?"

The question took her aback but she was glad that the silence had finally been broken and a conversation _ as artificial as it was _ had replaced it.

"What I miss is that I haven't heard from him since I moved out. After ten years of marriage, you would think we don't forget each other so easily. Apparently some do, though."

"Are you still hoping for something with him? I thought you had turned the page, now. It has been a few months."

"I don't know."

Her throat tightened and she swallowed hard; looked down intently at her shoes to avoid some cries. Things were going alright and yet she wasn't fine at such a point that she had begun to wonder if she simply weren't missing Stan.

"It isn't that easy to draw a line under ten years of your life so quickly. Perhaps I just need a time of adaptation, who knows?"

"But if Stanley came to you today and asked you to forgive him, would you do that?"

"It depends."

Will arrived at the office and both women stopped the conversation immediately.

She put her jacket on, grabbed her bag and followed him outside. The sky was blue and the air warm; the first leaves falling down the trees to announce the coming of the fall.

It was her favorite season, the one that matched her personality. A melancholic one that pushed her to never really stop looking at the past; and what she had missed, what she had left behind.

They turned on their right. She held his hand, tightly. He didn't protest, actually didn't say anything special about it as if the gesture was normal like part of their routine.

_Do you miss your past life?_

Grace's words resounded loud in her head. She looked down at the asphalt, frowned.

Perhaps it wasn't Stan she missed but all the things that gravitated around: the house, the kids, the staff… She had been taken away in an odd rhythm of life by then and grown accustomed to it.

She had never felt empty as she did now, never felt so lonely.

They arrived at the Italian restaurant and before Will opened the door, she kissed his lips softly.

Unless this was what she missed: the warmth of a relationship.


	15. Blackout

**Blackout**

"Are you having sex regularly? How is it going?"

She didn't hear the words but felt those _ even though unintentional _ hit her face harshly. The question made her blush for a few seconds until it simply began to hurt and her throat tightened. So she looked down and frowned, unable to properly answer.

"What, did I say something wrong?"

"No… I don't think so."

Her eyes remained focused on the space between her legs and the desk, analyzing how the daylight seemed to trace a golden line over the wooden table and her lap.

"I haven't alluded to it until now but I hope you know that the pregnancy doesn't have to affect your sexual life. There is absolutely no harm for the baby whatsoever and it can't but be good for you, as well as for the father. It may help you to learn about your new body while your partner will feel a bit closer to what you are living."

A blackout; it seemed that all of a sudden, her brain had ceased to work and she had been left there in the middle of a conversation without the possibility to actually take part in it.

The scientist kept on talking but the words were getting mixed in Karen's head and all she managed to understand was the brouhaha of sounds that didn't really make sense.

"No…"

As inaudible as her reply turned, it nonetheless stopped her interlocutor and the silence finally came back over the room as her explanation was now more than needed.

"I mean… Will and I, we… We aren't…"

"Is everything okay between the two of you? Is this why he isn't here, today? You are still living together, right?"

Probably because the situation wasn't an easy one to deal with, they had remained quiet over it and never said anything to her gynecologist.

After all it belonged to the sphere of their private life or at least this was what they had tried to make themselves believe. It sounded better than a drunk one-night stand and a misfortunate sequel.

"Of course, we are. This is not what I wanted to say. It is just that Will and I… We don't…"

"I respect my patients' choices, Karen. However I can tell you that sexual intercourse during a pregnancy is highly recommended _ except in some cases, for medical reasons _ because it strengthens the couple. You two are going through a very different stage of your life that is going to change all the rest. It will never be like before anymore… You need to talk, to show gestures of sweetness and tenderness as often as possible. Besides, don't forget that you will automatically go through a period of abstinence after the birth of your child so if you don't do anything now, you might have to wait for quite a while."

"I know."

"Then where is the problem? Do you think that it is hard for you to face your new body, with its new shapes? I understand that it isn't easy and it requires self-confidence but Will also has to support you in this way. Do you spend a lot of time together?"

She had gone into a marriage therapy for two years with Stanley. Then they had stopped because it didn't coincide with his schedule _ making him miss some important meeting _ and the result had been worse. She had simply realized that she would always come second, right after his work.

From then on she had developed a strong antipathy for any kind of therapy and sat on the armchair _ facing the successive questions from her scientist _ Karen felt like she was back there, observing in silence the fabric of a sofa while her husband filled time with pointless details over their ridiculous life.

She passed the door of the apartment an hour later, a new ultra-sound picture in hand. Will hadn't been able to come along with her to the appointment but now that she was back, it sounded better like that.

She would have died at the scene if she had had to face her scientist's questions with him sat by her side.

They observed the blurry picture, had dinner and watched television before heading to their respective bedrooms; just like any other night. She would never tell him how she had felt bad, intimidated a few hours before because of a series of questions supposed to be basics.

It would only stir up a wave of discomfort if she did.

She had just changed into her silk pajamas and was walking towards her bed when the room suddenly turned all dark. Instinctively she looked by the window but the usual lights of the buildings had also disappeared like swallowed by the night.

She grabbed her cell phone as an improvised lamp then opened the door of her bedroom. Will did the same within a few seconds, obviously as confused as she was.

"It seems to be a blackout. Stay here, I am going to light some candles."

She had always hated the dark, not the one that you got when you turned the lights off but the one you couldn't control; the one that left you without any reference at all. It made her heart beat fast, her mouth get dry.

Will came back from the kitchen with two candles in hand. He gave her one then turned around.

He probably saw her as he was about to close the door of his bedroom, how she had remained still in the middle of the corridor; unable to move. Her eyes fixed on the hardwood floor, she was hesitating, quietly panicked by the lack of electricity.

"Karen, are you alright?"

She didn't move, didn't nod or anything.

All of a sudden she felt his hand on hers. The touch was soft, reassuring enough just as she needed.

"You can sleep with me if you prefer to."

Before she could realize what was happening, she had stepped into his bed and was now laying by his side trying to ignore the blackout.

But she still wasn't fine.

Will probably sensed it and cuddled against her without saying anything. Very slowly she relaxed and let her eyes looked into his. It had been such a long time since they had been so close. She swallowed hard at the blurry memories of that night.

"I don't like the dark."

She leaned for a chaste kiss that would close her bare explanation but found herself not breaking it.

Instead her hand travelled up his arm and she deepened the kiss. He responded to it, eliciting tears through her eyes. Memories of their night were coming back by flashes, bright ones when she had thought that they had been buried for the rest of their life.

It all seemed so alive now.

Her legs caressed his hips as he passed on top of her and gave more passion to their kiss.

He never really broke apart but traced instead a wave of kisses to her ear where they got lost in a sigh of relief.

"I have missed you so much."

She closed her eyes, held him tight against her body.

And for the very first time in her life, Karen understood that she hated being lonely.


	16. A Few Seconds in Life

**A Few Seconds in Life**

A strident sound abruptly ended the serenity of her dreams and within a second Karen found herself awoken, her heart beating fast while the phone kept on ringing. Her eyes crossed his for a couple of seconds until he took the call.

She had gone through a lot of 'mornings after', had to face unusual situations if not simply heartbreaking ones but it was the first time that a phone conversation settled down the bases of the well-known discomfort that waking up in someone else's bed was.

Before her pointless _ if not just intrusive _ presence in the room that pushed her to overhear a private conversation, Karen rolled on her side then grabbed the duvet in order to get up. Her left leg was already out when she realized that she was completely naked and would have to cross the room then retrieve for her clothes in the daylight before Will's eyes.

If at some point such a perspective hadn't troubled her to the slightest bit, it now paralyzed her and very slowly she put back her leg in bed; settled against the pillow timidly.

Not daring a move, she kept on staring right in front of her at the open door she had passed a few hours before. The blackout was just an old memory that had now been replaced by all the rest, starting with the reason why she had just awoken in Will's arms.

As a teenager she had always imagined that making love was just like in the movies, with the same intensity _ the same perfection _ and fluidity that tended to highlight the symbol of an incontrollable fusion. Though when her turn had arrived, it had only taken her a few seconds to realize that those had been pure lies.

She had been hurt by the downfall of her fantasies and begun to lose hopes over the sweetness of sex until she had understood that the beauty of a first time found all its uniqueness in its veracity.

The gestures could be awkward, lacking self-confidence when thousand of wonders prevented boldness from spreading over your mind, but this was the way it had to be.

Perfection was reached if you accepted the deal to open your heart and not pretend anything that didn't match with your personality; just be yourself, in all your imperfections.

This was what had happened with Will.

She cast a glance at him very briefly before plunging back into the contemplation of the open door.

Their night had been sweet _ even sweeter than most of the ones she had had until then _ and as soon as she tried to remember it, a warm sensation spread in her lower stomach, making her blush.

She had felt right in his arms, comfortable and safe when most of her previous lovers had only managed to make her develop a system of self-defense before their judgmental gaze.

Will had seemed nervous just as she had, sincerely sweet and protective. He simply hadn't lied, hadn't tried to prove anything. She had fallen under his charms, as weak as they could be.

It is only when Will cleared his voice that she realized he wasn't on the phone anymore but was now lying down by her side with the same discomfort.

"My parents are expecting us for lunch tomorrow."

Karen might not have been the most romantic soul that Manhattan counted but she still had held some hopes that the first words they would exchange the morning after would have not been related to such a bare subject like Will's parents.

Swallowing back the bitterness of a failed declaration, she vaguely nodded and let a timid 'okay' slide on her lips.

But if her voice refused to properly work out, her brain _ in comparison _ was boiling under a long series of doubts and wonders. She hadn't listened to his conversation over the phone but all of a sudden, she wondered if he hadn't been talking to his mother.

She restrained in extremis a moan of agony before the idea and decided to concentrate on the contemplation of the ceiling.

Nobody was talking. Perhaps these were only a few seconds but they were enough to change a whole scene.

"How are you?"

"Fine… And you?"

"I am fine too."

She counted until ten and before the uncomfortable _ heavy _ silence, Karen sat up in bed, looking on the floor for her clothes. Thankfully her pajama top wasn't too far. She grabbed it and put it on, aware of Will's eyes on her bare back.

"I think I am going to have a shower. What time is it? I am sure we have overslept. Thank God nobody came in. I mean not Grace, since she lives in Brooklyn she doesn't rush in that early in the morning but Jack could have…"

Words had always been her best weapon, to impose herself in a crowd or to stifle a painful silence as she was doing now.

She found her pajama bottom hidden between the bedspread and the duvet. She put it on and was finally ready to get up when Will grabbed her wrist and made it all stop; her gestures, her incessant speech.

"I had really missed you."

Her eyes stared at his fingers wrapped around her wrist. She frowned, opened her mouth to speak but finally got resigned and sighed, almost shrugging.

Very slowly her gaze went up the bed until she found his brown eyes and dared to properly look at him for the first time since they had awoken.

Will seemed vulnerable, terrified by his own words and yet strengthened by their truth. The result was singular but comforting enough.

Without breaking eye-contact, she bent over _ brushed his lips _ then stopped. Her heart was beating fast while her hands were uncontrollably shaking.

She finally kissed him, relaxing in his embrace and smiling against his lips.


	17. The Words

**The Words**

Apart from one of Will's brothers, she didn't know anyone.

The whole lecture she had been given in the car had miserably failed as soon as they had passed the door and all the names had got mixed in her head. So before the unknown faces, she had preferred to remain quiet.

She felt intimidated _ not at the right place _ and hated that. What could she say? She had always been a control freak just in the hopes to run away from pain as much as possible and all of a sudden life seemed to slip through her fingers with a disconcerting strength, leaving her vulnerable. It was disturbing.

Besides, there were all these circumstances she didn't know how to deal with: her pregnancy, the past nights with Will. Just when they seemed to have turned the page over their one-night stand, they had slept together again.

But they hadn't talked about it yet, hadn't mentioned anything.

Perhaps Will actually thought that it didn't require any comment.

"Daniel… This is Karen, Will's fiancée."

Marilyn's words swept away her thoughts almost instantly and before she knew it, she was shaking hands with some vague cousin.

She was blushing. She could feel the heat that had spread on her cheeks and didn't seem to want to go away, now. Since when was she supposed to marry Will? She wasn't even sure that the term 'girlfriend' could apply to her in the current situation.

She didn't have time to study the question with him though as his mother led them from a guest to another, repeating the same speech over and over.

When in the morning she had chosen clothes that would hide her pregnancy shapes at the most, Will had protested and she had finally abdicated wearing thus an empire dress that actually emphasized her showing stomach.

Now of course nobody could miss it, which matched perfectly Marilyn's statement over the kind of relationship she was supposedly having with Will. If she could have felt amused once by the situation, for some reason it didn't work at all right now.

She felt humiliated, and angry.

Just the time to pick up an olive on a tray and as she turned around, Karen realized that she had been left alone. Will was nowhere to be seen _ nor was his mother _ when the uncles and cousins couldn't care less about her delicate position in the middle of the living-room.

For a few seconds she looked for Samuel but as her eyes stopped on him, she came to the conclusion that she didn't have a lot to share with him. So a bit awkwardly she grabbed an empty tray and headed to the kitchen, pretending to be busy.

The door was open ajar but she didn't take if for a sign in particular and pushed it, only stopping as Will's voice resounded in the room. He seemed angry.

Halfway on the doorframe, Karen didn't dare to move. She didn't want to interrupt the conversation but yet coming back to the living-room with an empty tray would have looked lame, not helping her poor image in any way.

"We are not getting married!"

At that moment, something set off in Karen's head and she looked up instantly, almost holding her breath as she realized that Will's interlocutor was nobody but Marilyn.

"And so what, does someone need to know about that?"

"Why did you come up with those ridiculous lies if you know we are not? This is humiliating."

"Oh, you think that it is humiliating? No, Will… Now let me tell you what is really humiliating. You slept with someone you obviously had no interest in, got her pregnant and had decided to keep the baby. Have you any idea of the shame it is for your family? And yet you would like me to be honest with everyone and simply introduce her as the easy-laid you had your way with?"

It wasn't the first time Karen got insulted _ nor would it be the last _ but without any warning, the words went straight to her heart and hit her hard, painfully. She turned around, walked back slowly to the table and put the tray on it with shaking hands before gasping.

There had been several moments lately _ a vague, timid sensation _ but she hadn't been able to say if it had really been a kick until now while standing alone in the middle of the Truman's living-room.

For the very first time, she could affirm that the baby had just moved.

Passing completely unnoticed she rushed up the stairs of the house and found refuge in the first room which door was open. She slammed it, ran to an armchair and finally burst into tears.

Her sobs were suffocating her, tightening her throat with a burning pain she had no control whatsoever over.

It hurt. It simply hurt.

"Gosh… You are here! I have been looking for you for like an hour now!"

Will's voice made her jump. She had probably lost any notion of time and remained in the room longer than what she had planned in the first place. The only thing she actually knew was that the tears hadn't stopped and it kept on hurting.

Finally noticing her sobs, Will slowly approached her and kneeled down by her side. His hand was sweet on her forehead but she pushed him away as he tried to get her hair behind her ear in the hope to see her eyes.

"Why are you crying? Is something wrong?"

"I heard what your mother said."

Will's absence of immediate reply gave more strength to the discomfort floating over the room and she swallowed hard, finally controlling her tears; ignoring the pain on her heart.

"I heard what she said when you two were in the kitchen."

"You know I disagree with her. She has no idea who you are, has barely met you a couple of times before. Just… I guess she needs time so don't pay attention to what she said. I really appreciate the efforts you are making towards my family but you don't have to try to love them and get loved back, you know. Pretending is enough... Just do as you used to with Stan's."

"I can't. It is different this time."

"Why do you mean?"

"I am having your child…"


	18. Match Point

**Match Point**

"Jack, I can't concentrate on the novel I am reading."

If he hadn't sighed dramatically _ exaggerating his reaction at the most _ she wouldn't have found the situation sweet. Jack was nothing but extravaganza, a sort of fake eloquence that some people mistook for egocentrism when in reality he was only joking.

She had fallen under the charm of his peculiar weapon almost immediately.

Life seemed easier with him as if he were taking you back to the first years of your childhood when you had no idea about any kind of issue.

"I am not saying that you have to stop talking but please, be a bit quieter. Anyway, the baby isn't responding at all."

She cast a glance at him over her book and smiled. The truth was that she absolutely loved those moments when he kneeled down by her side and started talking to her unborn child. It warmed up her heart, secretly enough perhaps but it still did.

This was something she didn't dare to do, afraid to sound stupid. Will remained silent as well and preferred to draw invisible circles on her stomach instead but far from any other gaze, once they were only the two of them in bed.

"Why of course, this baby fell asleep. You put on classical music."

Karen rolled her eyes but didn't add anything.

She was too tired to go into a pointless, teasing argument. Actually she had been hoping for a smooth evening with Will and had decided to lie down on the sofa before diner when Jack had rushed in, changing her plans involuntarily.

A sharp pain on her lower back made her frown. She swallowed hard and looked a bit disarmed at how Jack's face turned suddenly so pale. He seemed panicked.

"Karen, are you alright?"

She heard Will drop out a fork in the background and within a second, he was also by her side, waiting for an explanation to Jack's unexpected question.

"It is only a contraction. It can happen at this stage. There is nothing to worry about."

Obviously relieved, Will leaned over to plant a soft kiss on her lips realizing once they broke apart that Jack had witnessed everything. Their embrace had probably been chaste because he didn't look offended.

It had been three weeks now since they had slept together again, initialing thus some sort of undetermined relationship that seemed as precarious as all the rest. There hadn't been a night she had spent alone in her bed _ an evening she hadn't cuddled in his arms for a while _ but yet they both remained quiet over whatever they were living now.

The awkwardness of the situation brought a veil of uncertainty that tended to darken their daily routine.

Besides if she had had to be honest, Karen didn't know if this new complicity was such a good thing. Her loneliness might have suddenly flown away but she might as well have been able to say the same about the balanced friendship the four of them had developed over the past few years. It had been weakened by a one-night stand, how could she be sure that something more serious wouldn't destroy it completely? She did enjoy Will's presence but she also knew that living without Jack and Grace wasn't even conceivable.

So she remained quiet, a bit desperately.

"Then I assume you don't feel like going out tonight, do you?"

Jack's question took her aback and she didn't hide it, didn't have time to as a matter of fact. Obviously troubled, she shook her head and frowned.

"Not really, I am rather tired… Why are you asking me that?"

She was following a pure rhetoric _ Jack's intention being evident _ in the hope to win seconds to make up a lie. Since the announcement of her pregnancy, none of her friends had suggested such a thing. Actually, it seemed that her personal life had automatically been reduced to medical appointments and evenings at home, restful ones.

She missed New York nightlife though, the smoke of a cigarette and the taste of Vodka with some loud music in the background. However the second aspect, the one that Jack was talking about, was the one she would have wanted to avoid the most and if she had been safe until now, it seemed that the situation had suddenly changed.

"Well… It might be time for you to go out and find some piece of man. It has been something like, what? Six months, now… Don't tell me that you can live without sex for so long!"

Crossing her fingers mentally didn't work that well and with a barely hidden discomfort, Karen cleared her voice, avoiding Will's gaze. Her cheeks were hot, was she blushing?

"You know, honey, there are so many aspects that can change a life perspective… I am going through something very special right now and it requires a lot of efforts and… And…"

"If you think that you aren't attractive anymore then I can tell you that you are completely wrong. A lot of men would love those new shapes of yours. I am sure of that. You can trust me. Damn Will, can't you just back her up a little? After all you are responsible for this."

Her eyes remained fixed on Jack's hand pointing out her stomach. In other circumstances, she would have found the scene extremely funny _ ironical _ but having the leading role in it brought a whole different perspective.

She felt bad for lying, bad for sleeping with one of her best friends without any definite reason just as if it were a fling when she was actually expecting a child. She didn't show any wisdom at all, even less strength in her responsible role.

She was a bad mother, just as hers had been.

Feeling a sudden tension build up, Jack grabbed her hand and flashed a bright smile; one of those supposed to sound reassuring but it didn't work out this time.

"Your life hasn't stopped because you are about to have a child, Karen. You might become a mother but you will always be a woman as well. Don't think that the game is over before the match point had been settled down."

For a few seconds her hazel eyes met Will's brown ones. She looked down at her lap almost immediately, embarrassed.


	19. When You Go Away

**When You Go Away**

His hand had travelled up her knee before coming to rest on her inner thigh with the same sweetness as the kisses he had been planting on her neck. She had shivered under his touch, smiled quietly and plunged her fingers through his hair to get him closer to her body.

She had felt like she had belonged to him, protected by his arms and the softness of his lips. It hadn't lasted very long _ perhaps only a few seconds _ but the sentiment had spread over her brain before stealing her heart.

Something had just happened.

But as she closed the door of the apartment behind her and looked all around, Karen realized that it was already gone.

For once the fact that she wasn't wearing high heels anymore comforted her. At least the silence floating above the place wasn't too loud, too harsh. Her steps didn't resound in the living-room as she headed towards the sofa and abandoned her bag on it before making her way to the fridge.

As she opened the door, her eyes remained fixed on the different tin foil papers that were covering various dishes. Each one had been stamped with a day of the week. Very slowly she passed her fingers on one of them and smiled at Will's handwriting.

The attention was cute even though she would have never recognized it and made fun of it instead. After so many years hiding her real feelings, people had ended up taking her words for granted and her own strategy had turned out into a trap she was now stuck in.

She grabbed the dish for Friday, closed the door of the fridge and got rid of the tin foil paper to find out what kind of meal Will had planned for the evening.

_Pesto lasagna, with cheese and ham_

It was her favorite. She had never said it but yet he had guessed it, with this typical quietness of his.

Warmed up by it, she put the dish into the microwave and poured herself a glass of water. Her gynecologist hadn't stopped repeating that one daily glass of wine was accepted but for some reason, she just couldn't drink it. She might have been missing the taste of alcohol but something stronger always set off an alarm in her head as soon as she approached a glass.

It had become even more obvious since the baby had begun to kick.

The phone rang. She rushed to it, a smile on her lips. She knew that it was him, that he was the one who was calling; not only because he had promised her to do so when he had left but simply for the need she had to hear his voice against her ear.

He used to whisper to her every night, in bed, after having turned off the lights.

It wouldn't happen before a month now.

"I hope you will enjoy the lasagnas."

She laughed, freely enough since there was nobody else to witness the scene. Besides, the gesture was relieving. She needed it.

"I will. Thank you…"

There were a lot of things she would have wanted to tell him _ personal feelings, doubts and incomprehension _ but everything stayed trapped somewhere in between her heart and her lips. It made her throat sore as if she were on the verge to break into tears.

"Are you okay, Kare?"

"Yes… It is just that… Well, it is a bit silent here. I don't like it that much."

"You know that if you need anything, Jack is here and you still can call Grace as well. She might be in Brooklyn but she will come immediately if you ask her to do so."

"Yes."

Now she could feel the tears well up in her eyes and as her voice broke, she knew that she wouldn't be able to handle it for the rest of their conversation.

She needed him by her side. Perhaps it was a bit selfish but after having shared his life for four months and a half, she couldn't imagine spending so much time far from him. He was her dynamic, her only reference in the chaotic world that had settled down her pregnancy.

She wasn't in love with him but yet he was indispensable if she wanted to keep on breathing.

"Karen… You will do just fine. Don't be worried. If anything happens, get in touch with me and I will get a flight back to New York immediately."

"What if it is too late?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are in Prague. Do you know how long it will take you to come back here on time?"

"Let's see… First of all, you aren't supposed to give birth before December. We are in October. Second of all, a labor lasts more than a few seconds so I have a lot of chances to be back on time to be by your side if you happened to go into labor. And to finish…"

But his sentence got suspended in the air and he didn't add anything. For a few seconds, she remained perplexed, stressed before his silence, until she heard him sigh in order to hide his sobs.

"Are you crying, Will?"

Her voice was blank. Her heart was beating fast. The turn the events were taking was completely unexpected and she didn't know how to react wisely before it.

"I am going to miss so many things, a whole stage of your pregnancy. And… I am going to miss you too, Kare. I already do, to be honest with you."

As much as his confession comforted her, the fear that something might happen won over all the rest.

She burst into tears suddenly, clutched to the phone in the kitchen. The apartment seemed cold, lifeless and bare; empty.

"Kare, it is only a business trip. I will be back very soon. Please, don't cry."

But she was scared to death without him.

She still nodded, aimlessly though since she couldn't see him.


	20. What Distance Brings

**What Distance Brings**

"What are you doing here?"

Her face still plunged in the pillowcase she closed her eyes to avoid her friend's probably incredulous gaze.

"I am having a rest."

She might have been tired but the real reason of her presence in Will's bed was different, logical enough for her but not for Grace who seemed rather perplexed.

She missed his scent, the warmth of his arms and the sweetness of his smile. The sheets had his smell and it was all that could comfort her now. He had only left for a week but the distance was already weighing too much on her shoulders.

She deeply missed him.

"Why don't you sleep in your room?"

"The sun was bothering me so I came here."

The lie didn't even make her blush. It had come up with such a natural logic that she couldn't help but frown and bite the inside of her mouth. She didn't like doing this to Grace. It wasn't fair at all but it wasn't the right time either to confess a few things.

"Aren't you also wearing one of his blouses?"

"He gave it to me. My pajamas didn't fit me anymore and since I hadn't gone shopping yet, he offered me to take it."

It wasn't true either but who needed to know that while wearing Will's piece of clothing, she had the odd sensation to be cuddled against him? It was a personal matter, not so easy to face or assume publicly.

The baby kicked. She made a face, rolled on her back and put an instinctive hand on her stomach as if the gesture would ease the pain, calm down the movements of the child. It never worked but she persisted in spite of all, stubborn as she was.

"I have brought you something."

Her eyes fixed Grace's hand. She was holding a plastic bag. Timidly she approached the bed and sat on it, taking out of the bag a small bottle of essential oil.

"If you massage your stomach with it, the sensation of tense skin will vanish."

The image of a smiling baby had been inserted on the label. Was it a girl or a boy? Karen had no idea but for a few seconds, she wondered if her child would look like this one. With such big blue eyes, there wasn't a chance for it to happen.

"Would you like to try it?"

She timidly nodded and was about to grab the bottle when Grace actually opened it, pouring some oil on her own hands.

"Let's see if it works on you as well."

A bit taken aback, Karen nonetheless opened her blouse until her stomach appeared to the air. Of course she wasn't naked either but apart from Will, nobody had seen her bare body for a very long while and it had changed a lot those past few weeks.

Grace smiled as her eyes landed on it then rested the palm of her hands on top of the pregnancy shapes, causing thus a warm skin-to-skin. She blushed, a bit uncomfortable at the situation.

"You don't have to do it if you don't really want to, you know. I can understand."

"Come on… Will isn't here. Someone has to take care of you instead."

The massage was relieving, relaxing enough. Grace's hands had been moving on her stomach for a few minutes now when another kick occurred.

"Oh…"

Before her friend's obvious surprise, Karen burst out laughing then shrugged in order to sound reassuring enough.

"Was it a foot?"

"Probably…"

Grace's eyes suddenly focused on the place she had touched when the baby had kicked but her smile faded almost immediately. A frown replaced it.

"How is it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"How is it to be pregnant, to feel someone move inside your own body?"

This time Karen's face darkened and she looked aside, trying to concentrate on the way the light pierced through the window in spite of the rain.

The question made her throat hurt.

"I don't really know."

"How come, you are almost seven-month pregnant now…"

"Yes but… It isn't easy every day. Sometimes I feel like I am completely missing it out, as if I were witnessing it from the outside when I am though, the first one concerned. Add to that the ton of wonders that don't seem to find any answer and you get my mixed feelings about it."

"Do you regret it?"

"I wish it had been different. I wish the circumstances wouldn't have been so hard and the situation so complicated at times. I wish… I wish I could do it all over again but with other definite plans."

Grace seemed to hesitate, to choose her words before giving her own reply as if she wasn't sure she actually wanted to keep the conversation going; as if it were too hurtful.

"You know that you can tell me anything, Karen. When you feel down or sad… When something bothers you, you can rely on me even though I haven't proved it that much in the past. I am your friend and all I want is you to be happy."

At this point, it was obvious that she wasn't referring to maternity but Karen's relation to Will. How could some things look so evident for external people when herself she didn't know if she was allowed to expect anything from it?

"I am doing fine, honey. I am doing just fine."

"But you miss him."

"Don't you?"

"Not in the same way as you do…"


	21. Sleepless Nights

**Sleepless Nights**

She had dreamed about it a thousand times; how the airport would be crowded but the whole world would stop once she would see him, just like in the movies. Her eyes locked with his, she would wait for him to approach then smile in his mouth as they would kiss eagerly.

It was an old fantasy that in spite of the years had never really faded away.

It hadn't happened but she secretly held the hopes that one day, she would get the leading role in this perfect scenario.

"Are you sure that you don't want to sit down?"

Taking a sip of her tea, she shook her head at Jack and stood firmly on her feet instead.

The airport was indeed crowded but she knew that when she saw him, the world wouldn't stop turning and there wouldn't be any smile against his lips either because this was reality, not a mere fantasy.

"It might take some time for him to pass the doors…"

"His plane has landed and he is travelling first class so I am sure that he is about to appear."

The truth was that she was way too excited to sagely wait on a chair for Will.

Against her own expectations, she had made it through the whole month. It hadn't been easy but as loneliness and doubts seemed to spread over her mind, she simply lie down in bed then fell asleep rocked by his scent left on the sheets.

They had called each other daily as well but the words had remained unsaid and the feelings deeply buried in their heads. They didn't dare, didn't abandon themselves to the boldness of their desires unless they could touch _ hidden in the darkness of the night, alone _ and let their gestures talk for them.

Their silence was enough to balance the situation.

When she finally saw him, Karen couldn't help smiling. She made a few steps forwards but stopped as she thought about Grace and Jack who were standing behind.

Would he take her in his arms? Would he dare to kiss her in front of their friends?

A thousand questions were rushing to her mind when she finally felt his hand on her lower back as he planted a light kiss on her cheek.

"Hi…"

He was holding her firmly but yet remained distant, his eyes lost in hers with a sparkling light on his face. He looked happy, relieved.

Her throat had tightened and she was on the verge to cry.

The palm of his hand travelled from her back to her stomach and rested there as he looked down at it.

"How are you doing?"

"I am fine. We are fine, perfectly healthy. I had an appointment yesterday morning and the baby is okay, just as I am."

"You got a few inches more, no?"

"This is how it works, you know. And there are still two months more to go."

For some reason she wasn't sure to understand, they were whispering in the middle of the airport cacophony. They could barely hear each other but they didn't notice it for being too happy, vaguely intimidated.

"So I had no idea that I had turned transparent this morning."

Jack pouted to highlight his remark but finally broke into a wide smile.

It was a matter of balance. If one of the four of them was missing then it couldn't work out and nobody was happy. It was so nice to finally be reunited.

…

"Are you tired? You haven't taken a nap of the whole day…"

Grace and Jack had just left and for the very first time since Will had come back, they were alone at his place, vaguely embarrassed. It seemed that the routine they had established for the past few months had been damaged by the distance and they had to do it all over again, which included _ or not, none of them was sure _ their own closeness.

"I am okay. I have slept in the plane."

"You still can go to your bed and have some rest, you know. I will understand."

It reminded her of her previous marriages and how she had learnt to face the consequences of a business trip on her husbands' temper. It was all about remaining calm, quiet enough not to get on their nerves and cause a pointless argument.

She had learnt it the hard way, spending a lot of nights alone at their returns.

Without saying a word, he came closer and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. It was the first gesture of tenderness one of them showed since the plane had landed.

She had wondered how long it would take for it to happen but as their friends had stayed longer, she had lost hopes over it then felt her heart speed up its pace as their anticipated face-to-face had finally showed up.

He kneeled down to be at her level _ lie on the couch; she had developed a habit for this position _ and very slowly bent over to capture her lips.

The touch was warm, sending butterflies in her stomach and making her feel alive. She deepened the kiss and passed a hand around his nape to push him closer to her own body. He didn't protest, held her tight instead.

She had missed him to a point that she would have never imagined to be possible. The taste of his lips, the heat of his body against hers and the softness of his skin; she needed to discover him again through incessant caresses.

They eventually moved to the bedroom.

Sleepless nights had another shade when they were spent in his arms, being his somehow.


	22. From the Family

**From the Family**

"I prefer the other lipstick; the dark one, you know."

"Fuck you."

There were some days when everything seemed to go wrong. From the way her hair curled to the unbearable smell of grease that made her sick at every corner, she nourished her anger all day long through the strength of a singular frustration.

She didn't wish she would have stayed in bed and looked at time pass by until the light got better shades. Her impatience would have prevented her from doing so. Instead, she would have died for being able to make explode the million of details that would constitute her life for the next hours, turning it into a suffocating nightmare.

The least comment got on her nerves. A smile could result enough to make her blood boil in her veins. But since she showed great control, she simply turned on her heels and clenched her fists tightly.

It hadn't crossed her mind that her pregnancy would make it all even worse on those days when it was better to keep distance with her.

"She doesn't hate you."

A bitter laugh stumbled on her lips. She shook her head, vaguely observing the monotonous landscape of suburban houses speeding past.

"No, you are right. The last time I saw her she said that I was a whore. I have definitely won a big place in her heart."

Will stopped the car as they arrived to his parents' house. If the situation left him anxious then he didn't show it. On the contrary, he looked calm and relaxed which only tended to increase Karen's frustration to not be able to reach such a degree of serenity.

She followed him to the door, her anger slowly vanishing into fear and pain; deep insecurities.

"At last, you are here!"

Barely casting a glance at Karen Marilyn gave a warm hug to her son then let them enter the house.

There wouldn't be the whole family this time, only the two of them and George with Marilyn but for some reason, it sounded worse.

"How is the baby doing?"

It took her long seconds before realizing that Marilyn was actually talking to her and not to Will. Of course it made her blush and she looked down, feeling rather stupid.

"We are doing just fine, thank you."

She insisted on the 'we', not necessarily in a provocative way even though people probably ended up thinking so.

They hadn't been there for five minutes that she was already accumulating awkward responses, plunging the living-room into a heavy, uncomfortable silence. If only she could have gone into labor at this exact moment… At last she would have had a good excuse to run away and avoid the lunch.

"You have put on weight."

She could have sworn that the comment had sounded more like a reproach than anything else but as Will cleared his voice, she simply let go and nodded instead. Visiting his parents was part of the compromises she had accepted when she had decided to keep the baby. She had to deal with it and face it wisely. Ignoring Marilyn's snaps was probably the best attitude to adopt now.

Besides it was true. She had put on weight and grown a few inches since Will had come back from Europe two weeks earlier. The evolution was normal enough but yet rather hard to accept.

Looking into the mirror had turned into a bittersweet nightmare she tended to avoid. She didn't like the image sent back by it. It didn't match with the body she had learned to live with for most her life. She couldn't recognize it anymore and deep inside herself, Karen felt like she had lost her identity.

"Would you mind to help me with the drinks, Karen?"

If Marilyn had wanted to sound casual and make it all pass unnoticed, she had miserably failed because her intentions to have a face-to-face with Karen had clearly been betrayed through her request.

Biting the inside of her mouth, Karen nodded and followed her to the kitchen with resignation.

This was the exact reason why she had never visited her previous husbands' families. Avoiding conflicts and awkward situations had seemed to be more reasonable and since herself had grown accustomed to live without any relative by her side, it hadn't been that hard.

But Will was close to his parents _ his brothers _ and she had to accept it.

"Are you sleeping with my son?"

"Excuse me?"

The door had just been closed behind them that Marilyn had turned around to lock her eyes into Karen's hazel ones with a troubling determination; not a cold one, though, just incisive.

"I have asked you if you were sleeping with my son. Of course I am not talking about your one-night stand but you know, something more regular."

"It's… Well, I'm… Don't take it bad but… Don't you think that it is rather personal?"

"If you were his official girlfriend, you would obviously do and I would know it anyway so… Where is the problem? Are you ashamed?"

"I am not. I just don't see why you would like to know such a thing. It is none of your business, I am sorry."

"My husband just asked for a divorce."

The confidence took her completely aback though she wasn't sure if it was because of the news of the separation or the fact that Marilyn had chosen her over anyone else to say it.

"I am sorry."

"Oh, don't. It was only a matter of time."

As much as she swept it away with a vague gesture of the hand, Marilyn's voice broke, betraying thus her real sentiments.

"I have divorced twice. I know what it feels like."

"Then do you understand why I asked you about the relation you are having with my son?"

Karen shook her head slowly, confused and embarrassed.

"Because… Perhaps it is better like that, if the two of you are separated before this child comes to life. At least he or she won't have to deal with the downfall of references. The rules would have been settled down since the very beginning."

Karen didn't say anything, remained still for a few seconds before finally grabbing a bottle of red wine. She turned around and was about to open the door when Marilyn's soft laugh stopped her.

"Though I know that it has never been the matter of a single night… I can see it in my son's eyes, when he looks at you. I just hope that it will last. For him, for you, for your child… For the family that you are about to have."


	23. Just a Couple of Things in Our Life

**Just a Couple of Things in Our Life**

She would have wanted the journey to last a bit longer, that the cab to get lost into traffic somewhere between Broadway and Amsterdam Avenue.

She would have had time to think, then; leaned against the window while Manhattan would have speeded past through her eyes. Not that it would have changed everything but still… What if it all had stopped if only for a few seconds and she would have been able to observe the past, the present and the future?

The only time it had occurred, she had run away to never come back.

"Is that you?"

She didn't bother to reply and closed the door behind her instead, slightly slamming it to show her undeniable presence. Within a few seconds Will appeared. Hands in the pockets of his jeans, he was smiling brightly.

"How did it go?"

So many things had happened that she didn't know where to begin, by what. So a bit frustrated she simply shrugged away his question. Obviously his excitement couldn't be handled any longer and she let him talk.

"Come with me."

He grabbed her hand then guided her to her bedroom, the one she hadn't slept in for such a long time that she barely remembered the scent of the sheets or the way the sun pierced through the windows in the morning.

"Drop your bag. You don't need it."

He pointed out at the plastic bag she was holding but she shook her head and tightened her grip on the large package.

He didn't seem to really care.

"Here we are…"

In a theatrical motion, Will opened the door of the bedroom and led her inside.

She didn't gasp, didn't frown. Instead, she remained still; vaguely lifeless.

The large bed had been put on the left side of the room, leaving a consequent place to an old, pale green crib. The armchair was next to it, a teddy bear resting on top of a pillow. A changing table had been added in the right corner. Its color matched the crib's and Grace's ancient chest of drawers.

"You didn't want blue. You didn't want pink. I assumed that a pale green would be a good compromise. I hope you like it."

They hadn't spoken about the furniture. She had just hit the eighth month of her pregnancy and they hadn't even opened the slightest furniture catalogue yet, barely mentioned they would have to think about a name for the baby.

She was glad that he had taken the initiative. She needed it.

"Where have you found it? It is a very old one."

Her hand slid on the wooden shapes of the crib absent-mindedly. She had spent the first months of her life in an identical one, in the heat of Mississippi.

Then it had burnt down, like the rest of the house.

"I was walking with Jack when we happened to pass by this antique store. It had just been delivered, along with the changing table. You like it, don't you?"

"I used to have the same one."

"Oh, that is a funny coincidence."

"Hmm…"

Finally leaving the memories behind, she turned around and smiled at him.

"I love it. Thank you for the surprise. Thank you for everything."

Will sighed, obviously relieved. He had taken a decision over a matter that most of couples would have defined as important to talk about before but the thing was that he knew her by heart. If she had said that she had been disappointed by it, then it would have been a lie.

"How did the lunch go?"

"Fine… She said that she would have loved coming back here with me but apparently you promised her some Broadway show later in the week so she took the train back home immediately."

She couldn't say that she got along with Marilyn that much but since their awkward conversation in the kitchen, something had happened and they had worked on their relation little by little. They were doing it for Will, for the baby. Besides, they might have a lot more in common than what they would have ever imagined.

'What have you bought?"

Will pointed out at the plastic bag she was still holding. She looked down at it, frowned.

If the taxi had been caught in the traffic, she would have had time to observe it with attention; to touch it.

"I haven't bought anything. It is… Your mother brought it. She said that we could need it."

"What is it?"

Carefully enough she took it out of the bag and tended it to Will. His mother had probably washed it several times for it being so soft in spite of the years.

"It is the blanket you had as a baby."

A bit later as Will called his parents to thank them for the gift, Karen left the living-room quietly and pushed the door of the new nursery. She made a few steps in then sat down on the armchair, a hand on the crib.

Her eyes were fixed on the teddy bear resting on the pillow, a few inches away from the blanket.

"Are you okay?"

She hadn't noticed his presence on the doorframe, lost as she had been in her blurry wonders. She didn't look up at him and remained focused on the teddy bear instead.

"Are you scared?"

"Are you?"

"I am petrified."

Her own confession made her laugh lightly but she didn't push him away as he kneeled down by her side and passed an arm around her waist.

"We are going to do just fine."

"What if something happens to the baby? What if the baby dies, or I die?"

"Why do you think about such things? There is no reason for it to occur!"

"My dad passed away when I was a child. It isn't impossible either, let's face it."

"I…"

The words didn't come out. She had put him in a delicate situation and obviously he wasn't sure what to say anymore, fairly enough.

She leaned her head on his shoulder _ her eyes still fixed on the teddy bear _ and intended a pale smile.

"It is okay, honey. Don't be worried. I am fine…"


	24. Behind your Eyes

**Behind your Eyes**

She liked the way he kissed, softly.

She liked his smiles in the morning, sweet.

She liked his presence, quiet but nonetheless reassuring.

She liked his hand on her waist, the heat of this skin-to-skin.

"The dark red is a lot sexier on you. It contrasts with your pale complexion beautifully."

Jack's comment made her frown.

She closed her eyes, concentrated on Will.

She simply liked him.

"So which one do you want? Black or red…"

"Red, he likes the red one."

"Whom are you talking about?"

"Oh, nobody… I meant I liked the red one."

Grace knew about it. Marilyn knew about it. Jack might pretend the exact opposite but he knew about it as well, obviously. Then why did they keep on claiming that it was all platonic?

_Perhaps because it was, in spite of the appearances…_

They slept together, shared the same bed and most of the times the same shower.

They lived together, expected a child and could have spent an entire day in each other's arms.

_But still, the word 'couple' never came out._

"Excellent choice, Will is going to love it."

"Will doesn't care about it. He doesn't look at my feet. I don't choose my nail varnish according to him."

"Hmm… Whatever…"

"I mean it!"

She felt Jack's hand grab her foot, his thumb caressing her skin softly. The gesture was usually relaxing but for some reason, this time it didn't work.

She was frustrated. The gasp between her remarks and reality was getting on her nerves, little by little. It wasn't the fact that they were lying to everybody but the way the situation seemed to slip through their fingers as time was passing by. She didn't like it, didn't like when the others were right on some personal matters of her.

It was unnerving.

"Kare… Can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

As she was leafing through a fashion magazine, her eyes stopped on the photo of a baby. It was a little girl, wearing a purple cotton dress designed by Armani.

She looked adorable in it.

"Have you always been attracted to Will? In a sexual way, I mean… I know that you were both drunk when you slept together but still, I got drunk with Grace and we never had sex."

The question was fair enough but it embarrassed her a lot, making her blush.

"I don't know…"

"How come you don't know? We all know if we are attracted to someone or not! Now if you don't want to answer, fine."

"Okay, I suppose I was. Are you satisfied, now?"

Her forced confession made her friend laugh which only increased her own discomfort. She didn't understand why it cost her so much to talk about her feelings. It had always been the same, since the very beginning.

And she hated it.

"It is understandable, don't be worried. He is rather good-looking in spite of all the things I can say about him."

"Do you find him attractive?"

"In his own way, yeah, maybe… But he is definitely not my type and will never be."

"You don't know what you are missing."

Her comment caused a wave of heat to rush up her cheeks. Vaguely petrified, she looked aside, trying to avoid her friend's amused gaze on her.

As much as their friendship seemed to have absolutely no limit, they had never really mentioned her sentimental life; not like that. Her marriage to Stanley had reduced the chances to allude to some juicy details and very soon they had simply made fun of it to forget that it had failed.

The sudden change was odd, yet immensely relieving.

"How can he be a good lover when he barely had once experience with a woman before you? I don't get it."

"He is sweet. And caring…"

"Aren't they all?"

"No, not really… Not at all…"

"Then I am glad that you have finally found the right one."

"Jack, we are not…"

"You are having his child. It might be time to think that it can be a sign."

His words left her perplexed. She looked down at her stomach, as if it would bring her extra explanation over her friend's comment.

"It was an accident."

"I don't believe in accidents. Do you know the percentage of chance that you had to get pregnant after having slept with him just once?"

"I am not the first one to go through this and people aren't necessarily soul mates either."

"You were on the pill, Kare. Damn, accept the fact and at least recognize that it is weird!"

His remark made her freeze. He was the only one who knew that she had been on the pill when she had had her one-night stand with Will. The chances to get pregnant had been extremely thin. He was right.

But since it had happened, she had preferred to remain quiet over this detail mainly because she didn't know how to deal with it in the first place.

For years she had tried to have a child with Stanley. It had never worked out.

A single night with Will and there she was.

"You are a cute couple. Odd enough but it is true. When will you recognize that?"

"We are not..."

"Yes, you are. It is betrayed by the sparkling flame you have, there, just behind your eyes. What is it called again? Oh yes, the soul…"

Meticulously Jack put down the nail varnish then bent over to kiss her lips softly, sweetly.

He winced.


	25. Happy Thanksgiving

_**Happy Thanksgiving…**_

"Are you alright?"

She hated this question. It sent her back to her doubts, her insecurities and all of a sudden she realized that she hadn't overcome anything.

No, she wasn't fine.

"Hmm…"

She nonetheless nodded and rolled on her side to get up, pushing Will away as he tended his hands in a gesture of help.

Pregnancy brought its own logic as time passed by and the body adopted new shades. It was all about adaptation, finding a way to go through a routine with the least possible efforts. Because she was tired all the time, her breath short and her skin too tensed to keep on moving as she had done until now.

Back on her feet she nervously adjusted her dress then sighed. For the very first time in a long while, she felt nauseous. It didn't have to do with morning sickness at all, though. In a way, she would have preferred.

Her eyes found Will's brown ones and she bit her lower lip. If she had been alone, she would have cried until the tears would have stopped tasting salty and they would have got substituted by fragile dreams.

"What happened to your…"

Will motioned her eyes. She shrugged and readjusted her glasses, trying to avoid blushing. As if the day couldn't get any worse, this last-minute problem had considerably added to her nervousness.

"Something with my contact lenses… Looks like I can't bear them anymore. They burnt when I tried to put them on this morning."

"I didn't even know that you had glasses."

"Yeah well, it is not as if I were going to brag about it or anything."

"Perhaps you should."

She didn't have time to analyze his reply. A shriek pierced the silence of the apartment and made her jump, coming back to reality a bit too quickly. Will grabbed her hand; she didn't protest, this time.

"Come on, it is only a lunch."

"Thanksgiving is never 'just' a lunch."

Especially when you were pregnant and had to spend the day pretending to have a family spirit you never understood whatsoever.

Marilyn and George had arrived, talking to each other as if nothing had happened; as if they were still this suburban couple of thirty years that made it through the time when the week before their divorce had actually been finalized.

They were being polite. For some reason, she hated that.

"How is everyone doing?"

Swallowing back a lot less politically correct reply, Karen managed a forceful smile and clenched her fists as two pairs of hands landed on her stomach.

Even before getting pregnant, the gesture had always looked ridiculous to her; superficial enough to be avoided. If you added the childish tone of voice people used along _ sort of baby talk before the birth _ you obtained an exhausting combination of suffocating sweetness.

"We are doing just fine."

"One month more and you will hold your own little baby in your arms! How exciting is that?"

Marilyn's joyful tone of voice only betrayed the few vodkas she had had before coming to the apartment. Obviously her smiles would have been a lot more bitter if she had been sober.

Nobody said anything, though. Nobody seemed to remark the slightest thing.

Perhaps it was better like that.

As Karen's eyes landed on the table that had been set, she couldn't help noticing the fifth plate. It looked just like the other ones _ with its identical glasses of wine, water _ but its symbol was definitely stronger.

She swallowed hard.

"She isn't here yet, is she?"

"No, she called a few minutes ago to say that she had been stuck in traffic but was nonetheless on her way."

And as if Will's words needed to be accompanied if not justified, someone knocked on the door at this exact moment.

It had to be her. Grace and Jack had turned down their invitation to join the table for the meal so logically enough, she was the last guest they were expecting.

Will opened the door.

There she was, holding a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine. Red one; she had always hated the white one.

She made a few steps _ smiling timidly _ then winced at Karen.

"I always knew that pregnancy would suit you so well, Kiki."

She hated this nickname, hated the tone she had employed to tell such a lie and hated even more the way she took her in her arms as if everything was going well; as if everything had been forgotten and forgiven.

But there was Will, his parents and this child who would be born within a month now. And all of a sudden, Karen's world seemed to be made of a hundred compromises, silent and painful ones.

She didn't say anything, remained polite; ate quietly and answered people's questions with a barely contained anger. Her heart was pounding loud against her chest, too fast.

But the meal went fine and eventually the door got closed behind the last guest to leave.

"Are you alright?"

Will's hand rested on her lower back as he stood behind her, probably observing the skylines by the window just as she was.

She frowned, took a deep breath and let it go.

"No."

"Perhaps you should lay down for a while…"

She nodded at his suggestion but grabbed his hand, taking him by surprise as she led him to his bedroom.

She didn't have a headache. Her back didn't hurt and for once her stomach didn't seem to go so bad. But she needed him, she needed his arms for being emotionnally exhausted.

"She won't come back. She won't come back to me."

As her face found the heat of his chest, Karen closed her eyes and listened how the words were sliding on her lips with a resigned melancholy.

"Perhaps if you call her at some point then you could spend some time together."

"I have never been part of her plans."

She felt his lips brush her head but he didn't add anything, didn't reply.

What for? They both knew that she was right.


	26. Just Another Day

**Just another day**

She didn't have anything special to do: no medical appointment, no lunch she would have planned. Her agenda had remained empty, offering her a well deserved restful day. Though as she had awoken in the morning, she had had a feeling that something would happen.

A weight had been opressing her chest as soon as she had opened her eyes and connected back with reality, an odd sentiment that hadn't gone away. She had attributed it to the pregnancy, this ballet of hormones she didn't know how to deal with properly. So she had remained quiet and had tried to ignore it.

The phone had rung at two in the afternoon. She remembered it because she had looked at her watch just before, a matter of seconds. Will had poured some tea in their respective mugs and they were about to sip the hot beverage when everything had tipped over.

Stanley had had a heart attack. It had been fulgurant. He hadn't survived.

And this is when she realized _ sat down on the couch of the living-room_ that she hadn't turned the page and even less drawn a line.

It had hurt, something getting broken in her heart. The baby had moved, probably sensing that she wasn't fine though for Will facing her, she hadn't cried.

Had he guessed something? And if so, what exactly? She had got a divorce from Stanley, had moved out and was now expecting a child from another man. It had never crossed her mind _ at any moment _ that she would be touched by the loss of her ex-husband.

She kept it all under silence and waited in the hopes that the sentiment would fade away as life would get back its conventional importance.

"There is no need for you to come, no obligation whatsoever."

"He was my client."

She would have preferred Will not to come but his argument couldn't be turned down. It just didn't seem right to bring her new lover _ or whatever he was supposed to be _ to the funeral of her late husband.

The first person she saw resulted to be Olivia. In her sage black dress the little girl she had left almost a year ago looked like a teenager now, her features deepened by the sadness of the event. Her eyes remained fixed for long seconds on Karen's stomach but she didn't say anything, only smiled politely before turning around and heading back to her seat.

"Don't be worried about that."

Will's whisper caressed her ear as he took her arm and led her to a bench in the small church.

She could feel people's gazes on her, something she curiously hadn't planned when it seemed so logical now.

Her pregnancy; most of the people present in the room knew her very well and it was a given fact that she had never showed any maternal desire whatsoever. How come six months and a half after her divorce she showed such a large stomach?

Of course nobody would have believed that it was Stan's, in spite of the dates and what it meant then. Her infidelity was clear. At eight months and a half, she couldn't hide anything.

The first thing she noticed got to be the sparkling light in his eyes, betraying his obvious surprise as he stood in front of her and forced her to stop walking. Then the smile appeared, slowly, on his lips as if he were enjoying the victory of a lifelong battle against her.

"Now I guess I understand why you were too busy to even give me a phone call during all this time."

Karen swallowed hard, not daring to look at Will but nonetheless making eye-contact with her interlocutor, Beverly Leslie. She was about to reply when the short man surprised her with an unexpected remark, on a very sweet tone of voice she hadn't heard in a very long while.

"Is it a girl or a boy?"

"I don't know."

They used to be friends, very close ones. Then she had married Stanley and something had broken down, taking away their friendship and replacing it with a bitter relation, some sort of teasing game that had never found the right shades.

"I know that he didn't want a child. It suits you very well, Karen. I am glad you moved along with your own life."

She wanted to tell him that she hadn't changed her mind, that the pregnancy was a pure accident that shouldn't have happened, that it hadn't been planned. She wanted to tell him the truth in the hope that it would relieve her from this weight she had been carrying on for too long but she remained quiet, one more time.

Her hand found Will's. She held it tight.

"Call me this time, when you give birth. I don't want to miss your child."

Snapping to call for one of his personal assistants, Beverly went away with this old panache of his she loved so much, secretly.

"I didn't know the two of you could be civilized with each other."

"Some people would say exactly the same about us, Will."

"I have never hated you."

Her hazel eyes found his brown ones for a couple of seconds only. Then all of a sudden, she looked at the floor intently.

This was not the sentence she would have wanted from him. She didn't like this periphrasis that insinuated so much without saying anything properly.

And it made her doubt, one more time.

The baby kicked.

What was it all about that when she felt like she had died, the baby moved in her stomach and pushed her to realize that she was actually still alive?


	27. That Night

**That Night**

She had spent most of the evening avoiding his gaze, observing the passers-by in the street instead; not by anger but timidity.

It hadn't happened in years. The odd feeling of warmth spreading over her forehead before reaching her lower stomach had taken her by surprise and charmed by the reminiscence of a time that had gone by too quickly, she had succumbed to it with a barely hidden delight.

There got to be something about Will though she didn't know what exactly.

The diner had been perfect, their conversation smooth and as his hand had grabbed hers over the restaurant table _ near a small, cheap red candle_ her smile had grown wider, lighting up the latent blushing that had warmed up her cheeks all along the evening. If it hadn't been for the silence that still surrounded the nature of their relationship, they would have come very close to a state of perfection at this exact moment.

They had walked back to the apartment hand in hand then headed to bed rocked by the logic of their acts, identical in all points to the comforting ritual of a goodnight kiss.

They had made love, before settling in each other's arms and falling asleep. It always took her longer to reach her own dreams and if it could have got on her nerves in the past, with her previous lovers, she didn't mind anymore.

The regular sound of his breath calmed her down, eased her doubts even though she wouldn't have been able to say why her life was different now: because of her pregnancy or Will's presence.

She thought at first that a noise had woken her up, something in the street below, probably a truck honking in the silence of the night. Leaning up on her elbow, she cast a glance at the alarm o'clock.

2 am

She sighed, rolled her eyes then lay back again and contemplated the ceiling in the dark. Her heart was beating fast, her mouth was dry and it is only after a long minute that she realized the sweat drops running along her back.

She wasn't hot. The December night was cold and the temperature of the apartment was far from causing such a reaction to her body.

Unless she had fever…

With a shaking hand, she touched her forehead then her cheeks but her skin was cool as well.

And all of a sudden it happened. A long and sharp pain ran down her back making her hold her breath, swallow hard.

A few seconds passed by before she managed to react. Her hands had grabbed the blanket, clenching her fists so tight that the skin usually colored by her blood had turned white. Very slowly she sat up, turned on her right and put her feet down on the hardwood floor.

Her breath was short. She felt dizzy, panicked.

"Kare? What are you doing?"

Will's voice in her back resulted enough to release the tension that had just built and against all expectations, plunged in the dark, Karen burst into cries.

"We need to go to the hospital, now."

She felt ridiculous, suffocating behind a veil of pointless sobs that reached an even higher level as Will turned the lights on, probably worried before what was going on.

"Your water broke?"

"No… But I have contractions. I mean I guess so. I don't know… It hurts."

If the last minutes seemed to have lasted forever, the next hour simply flown away and before realizing it, Karen was under monitoring at the maternity ward, staring a bit awkwardly at the ceiling as the hospital nightlife was in full swing.

The door of the room opened and Will came in. He looked tired _ the shadows of a beard embracing his cheeks _ but nonetheless ecstatic. She swallowed hard, not daring to move in her bed.

"I left a message to Jack who apparently wasn't there and Grace is on her way. I told her that she could stay in Brooklyn for the moment since you aren't really into labor yet but she insisted. Leo isn't here anyway so I guess she was happy to have some company."

"Okay…"

"How are you?"

A new wave of tears rushed to her eyes. She bit the inside of her cheeks and shrugged, looking away at a machine that was controlling her own heart.

It could take hours now, hours of wait and doubts though if there was one thing the obstetrician had been sure on was that the next time she would pass the doors of the hospital, she would carry a baby in her arms. The statement had been enough to stir up a sentiment of frank panic but before Will and the medical staff, Karen had just nodded and smiled.

"Everything is going to be perfectly fine. Don't be worried."

If Will's self-confidence had been a source of jealousy until then, it simply got on her nerves now. It wasn't fair. She was the one who was laid down on this bed. She deserved his faith.

"I am tired."

"The nurse said that you could sleep in the meantime. The contractions will wake you up."

"They already did. I can't fall asleep anymore, now. I am awake. It is too late."

Her hazel eyes got locked with his brown ones and within a second Will was holding her tight, rubbing her back softly. A shrieking beep pierced the silence of the room and made her jump. It came from the monitoring machine. Instinctively, Karen looked at it _ breaking the embrace without any warning _ but the baby's heart race hadn't changed.

She passed a hand over her stomach, closed her eyes tight.

Perhaps it was only a bad dream and if she concentrated very hard, she would wake up safe and sound; far from the scene she was going through now.


	28. Welcome To the World

**Welcome To the World**

She didn't feel the pain anymore. Something had happened _ at some point _ and she had lost track of any sensation but the sweat drops running along her back. She had been admitted to the hospital five hours earlier now. The sun had finally pierced through the window of her room, the night taking away her last chance to get some rest.

She was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Another contraction passed through her body. She clenched her teeth, staring right in front of her. The instructor she had had for the Lamaze classes would have been proud, probably surprised to see how one of her worst students had nonetheless kept in mind the given advices though. Will had forced her to attend at least a few sessions. Reluctantly enough, she had abdicated but remained completely inactive before the exercizes.

But what had looked ridiculous by then seemed vital now and so she was applying meticulously all the things she had learned during those short classes.

"Are you thinking that you will never have sex again?"

Jack's question broke down the uncomfortable silence of the room and she looked at him with incredulity. He had arrived a few hours before, almost at the same time as Grace and they hadn't left her room from then on.

Hungry by the sleepless night of wait, Will had finally decided to go for a snack at the cafeteria. Grace had come along, leaving her alone with Jack.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you know… In movies, they always say that. How they won't get lay again and bla bla bla…"

"Oh boy…"

Sighing loudly, Karen rolled her eyes and swallowed hard to keep on yelling at her friend. She wasn't in the mood for childish conversations. As a matter of fact, she was in the mood for nothing.

"Of course not, I am not renouncing to it! Though right now, it isn't really crossing my mind to be honest with you."

The door flew open, revealing the obstetrician as well as Will and Grace.

"So how about these contractions?"

"Hmm…"

As the scientist proceeded to the medical check, Karen looked up at the ceiling and tried to concentrate on something else. The situation was rather awkward, uncomfortable. Having a gynecologic exam was far from being something she had dreamed to share with three other people; just like this weak state she was in, unable to go anywhere.

She hated being assisted.

"You seem to bear the pain very well. No epidural, you are fully dilated. I guess it's time, now."

She had dreaded this moment for so long that she didn't manage to say anything and just gasped instead, looking for Will's eyes. If she had thought she had experienced panic until now, it was nothing compared to what the obstetrician's words had just stirred up.

Disarmed, abandoned to the mercy of strangers and whatever was written to be in her life.

If she had had to summarize her labor, this is what she would have said. Within a few minutes she was carried to the labor room, surrounded by medical talks and unfriendly sounds, and too weak to do anything else but obey the orders she kept on receiving.

She remembered the touch of Will's hand on her forehead, the way he didn't dare to say anything, barely move.

She remembered the persistent smell of desinfectant in the room and the accelerating beep of the monitoring on her right side.

She forgot about the pain, the energy the labor required when she was already exhausted.

Then everything stopped, even her breath, as in a last movement she leaned back her head against the pillow and cries pierced the whispers of the room. She didn't react immediately though. She just couldn't. Her body didn't seem to respond as her brain was slowing down dangerously.

Then she felt the heat on her chest and looked down instinctively. A new-born was there, crying loudly.

It probably took her only a couple of seconds but in her head it seemed to last a lot longer, endless minutes of blank wonders. With a shaking hand, she made contact with the baby. The skin was warm, and soft.

She swallowed hard, trying to restrain her own tears.

Her eyes found Will's. He bent over, caressing her lips with his until the words slid in the air through the sweetest murmur she had ever heard.

"I love you, Karen."

…

She approached her index and giggled as the little hand grabbed it tightly, with an odd strength.

_I won't let you go either, don't be worried._

"She is so cute."

"Why of course, she is! She is my daughter."

The offended tone of voice she used made Grace laugh. The baby was born an hour ago now, a healthy little girl with a skin so pale that she couldn't be but Karen's. Will had left the room to fill some papers, accompanied by Jack and leaving thus both women alone in a strange face-to-face.

But against all expectations Grace was just ecstatic. Perhaps she had finally turned the page unless she was just under the spell of her friend's new-born child. Before the odd reaction, Karen hadn't insisted and let go of it as well.

Anyway she was too tired to even think about the slightest important conversation.

Someone knocked on the door softly.

"Come in."

As Marilyn entered, Karen couldn't help getting tensed. She cleared her voice nervously, caressing her daughter's hand as if it would calm her down miraculously.

"I am going to get a snack…"

Grace disappeared immediately, closing the door behind.

"So…"

For the very first time Marilyn looked intimidated. Her eyes were wandering from Karen's hazel ones to the baby who was laid against her folded legs in an improvised face-to-face position.

"Will didn't want to tell me on the phone… Is it a girl or a boy?"

"It is a girl, a little girl."

"I have always known it!"

"Then you should have told us earlier. It would have avoided us some serious color talks for the nursery."

Karen's light tone seemed to relieve Marilyn who finally sat down on the edge of the bed to have a proper look at her granddaughter.

"What is her name?"

Karen passed her tongue over her lips, took a deep breath.

"Lucy… Her name is Lucy."

She looked how Marilyn frowned, obviously taken aback. Her heart was beating fast.

"Who…"

"I chose it."

Actually the name had hit her mind as the new-born had got put down on her chest, crying loud. For some reason, she had thought about Will's mother and the discussion they had had once, at the beginning of her pregnancy when she had had to stay in bed all day long.

How Marilyn had told her that if she had had a daughter, she would have named her Lucy, after the famous tv show for it having lightened her life when she had thought that hopes would never be back.

"Thank you."

Only two words but the sincerity emanating from them resulted enough to let a smile appear on Karen's lips. A bright one.

…

"Would you like me to take the baby for the night, so that you can have a rest?"

"No, I will do just fine."

The determination in Karen's voice made the nurse smile but she didn't insist and closed the door softly.

The night had fallen over Manhattan, reducing to whispers the boiling rush of the day; putting a veil over the exhilirating emotions she had gone through those past hours.

She turned on her side and looked at the crib where Lucy was sleepling peacefully.

_If I had doubts during the past nine months, I can assure you that they are all gone now. You are my undeniable logic... It was just the prelude and here is the beginning._

_Welcome to the world, Lucy._


End file.
